THE KINGS CASTLE

A musical comedy

LIBRETTO

Words and music by Phil Shaw



Contact:

Phil Shaw: phil@philshaw.com





Copyright © 2009, 2010, 2014 by Phil Shaw - All Rights Reserved



THE KINGS CASTLE

1. Overture

SCENE 1: BOBBY, and JOE

2. Dialogue - "Dolores? Chrome?"

(CHROME and DOLORES's apartment in Primm. Empty.)

(The doorbell rings.)

(BOBBY unlocks the door, sticks his head in.)

BOBBY

(Calls out) DOLORES? Are you home? CHROME? Are you here? (To JOE) Come on in, JOE.

(BOBBY and JOE enter)

JOE

(Questioning) Whose apartment is this, BOBBY?

BOBBY

It belongs to DOLORES. My girlfriend, DOLORS. Don't worry, DOLORES gave me the key. She lives here with my sister. My sister, CHROME.

JOE

CHROME, BOBBY? Did you say 'CHROME'?

BOBBY

Yes, JOE, I said CHROME. That's her name. Her real name. Anyway, JOE, thanks for the ride when my car wouldn't start. There's no buses from Las Vegas to Primm, and I really needed to get down here. And, I haven't forgotten the surprise. The surprise I promised you.

JOE

I told you I don't need a surprise, BOBBY.

BOBBY

I promised you a surprise, JOE, and you're going to get it! No, I think that today is one of those days when you are going to surprise yourself. Surprises.

3. Song - Surprises - BOBBY


(Verse 1)

People jump out, 'Happy Birthday!', they cheer. So you buy a ticket to southern Tangier Sometimes surprises are things that you get. Sometimes they're things that you do.

(Verse 2)

Somebody standing behind you will sneeze. So you go jump off on a flying trapeze. Sometimes surprises are things that you get. Sometimes they're things that you do.

(Chorus)

Look at what you do. Listen what you say. It isn't what you had in mind. But now you're stuck, it won't go away. Look at what you did. Listen what you said. It isn't what you had in mind. But now you're stuck, you walk where you tread.

(Verse 3)

Someday you find you won ten thousand bucks. So you get a bike and jump over ten trucks. Sometimes surprises are things that you get. Sometimes they're things that you do. Sometimes they're things that you do.

4. Dialogue - "I'm so glad"

BOBBY

I'm so just glad I managed to get down here. A thousand thanks for the ride, JOE.

JOE

Any time. Now I'll be heading back.

BOBBY

Stick around a while. DOLORES and CHROME will be here in a minute. I'll introduce you. You never met my sister CHROME, did you.

JOE

No, I guess she's never been around your place since I moved next door. Hey, BOBBY! You better not figure on fixing me up with your sister! You better not figure on fixing me up with your sister! Blind-date fix-ups---don't work.

5. Song - You figuring on fixing me up? - JOE


(Verse 1)

You figure on fixing me up? Don't try it, it's not going to work. The chemistry needed has never been known. I'm never that kind of a jerk.

(Verse 2)

You figure on fixing me up? Forget it, it's not in the cards. The formula model was long ago lost. I'm going, so give my regards.

(PRE-Chorus)

BOBBY, blind-date fixups--they really never work. Love can't live when it's plotted and planned. Romance won't dance when it's potted and canned. Romance should be...Romance should be...

(Chorus)

Romance, should be like golden flowers blooming on a hill. Romance, should be a bluebird singing like a daffodil. Romance, you see her and you feel a sudden thrill. Romance, you touch, and know that this is Cupid's will.

(Verse 3)

You figure on fixing me up? Don't bother, it's not a good plan. The pattern's bewildering science and art. I'm leaving, i'll run while I can.

6. Dialogue - "Fix up you and Chrome?"

BOBBY

Fix up you and CHROME? No way. No, no, no. She's a great sister, a really great sister. But for a girlfriend, a wife, she'd be a nightmare, a nightmare. Anyway, thank you for the ride. I needed it.

JOE

No problem. It's my day off.

BOBBY

Damn, JOE, damn, damn, damn. DOLORES and CHROME. If I knew they wouldn't be here we could have stopped at that Toys 'R' Us we passed along the way.

JOE

Toys R Us? You haven't got any kids, BOBBY.

BOBBY

(Smiling) Not now, JOE, not yet. But we're going to. We're going to. DOLORES told me yesterday.

JOE

That's great! Congratulations, BOBBY!

BOBBY

That's what life is, JOE. Life is kids. You ought to have kids. You ought to get married and have some kids.

JOE

Have some kids? That's what my brother does. He's got four kids.

BOBBY

Four kids. That's great. I can imagine Thanksgiving dinner. That's got to be a happy time for them.

JOE

You're right about that. He sends me lots of pictures. Thanksgiving pictures. Lot's of smiles. Lot's of smiles.

7. Song - Thanksgiving - BOBBY and JOE


(Verse 1)

BOBBY

Think of the Thanksgiving Dinner. Your kids all grown up with some kids of their own. All gathered around for the holiday meal. Nobody left all alone.

(Verse 2)

JOE

Think of the thanksgiving dinner. You talk and you chat and you try to make jokes. Family time you'll remember for life. Everyone here with their folks.

(Chorus)

BOBBY

Your kids may end up with their heads in the clouds.

JOE

Your kids may find work far away. Your kids may fall in with unusual crowds.

BOBBY

But ever and all at the end of the day,

BOBBY and JOE

your kids will still know how to find their way home.

(Verse 3)

BOBBY and JOE

Think of the Thanksgiving Dinner. Your place is a mess when the last cousin goes. This day will stay with you all of your days. Family is, and the family knows.

8. Dialogue - "Lots of smiles"

JOE

Lots of smiles, BOBBY.

BOBBY

Smiles for the camera, JOE. But I bet if you look real close, you'll see some worry lines with the smiles.

JOE

Worry lines?

BOBBY

Worry about how to take care of all those kids. Feed them. Keep them out of trouble.

JOE

My brother has no trouble so far, BOBBY.

BOBBY

As far as you know. Have you ever been in trouble, JOE?

JOE

In a drunk tank. Over night. Nothing serious.

BOBBY

Nothing serious, JOE, that's the problem. You don't always know how serious something is at first, 'til you're stuck in the middle.

JOE

Have you got trouble, BOBBY ?

BOBBY

Trouble? Nothing I can't take care of, with money.

JOE

Money? You can't even spell money.

BOBBY

You don't have to spell it, if you've got it. Did you ever hear of the Grand Tayopa, JOE?

JOE

The Grand Toyota?

BOBBY

Grand Tayopa. Tayopa. The Lost Jesuit Mine. In Mexico. High in the western mountains.

JOE

Wasn't that a movie?

9. Song - The Grand Tayopa - BOBBY


(Verse 1)

Deep in the jungle and high in the mountains. A dark narrow canyon with rocky steep cliffs. The site of the Grand Tayopa and I have a map.

(Verse 2)

Out in the wilds of Northwestern Sonora. You reach it by foot or by pack-horse or prayer. The site of the Grand Tayopa and I have a map.

(Chorus)

Veins of silver, deep and wide. Treasured silver, long denied. Mounds of silver, there to take. Treasured silver, treasured stake.

(Verse 3)

Everyone knows it but no one has seen it. It's whispered about like a legend or lore. The site of the Grand Tayopa and I have a map.


SCENE 2: CHROME, BOBBY, and JOE

10. Dialogue - "The door!"

(CHROME and DOLORES's apartment in Primm. BOBBY and JOE.)

(A knock at the door.)

BOBBY

The door! CHROME! Hi Sis!

(CHROME enters.)

BOBBY

CHROME!

CHROME

That's right. CHROME. (Begins hitting BOBBY as soon as she sees him)

10. Song - Jailbird! - CHROME


(Verse 1)

Jailbird! Jailbird! Lousy stinking jailbird! You're a thief! You're just a thief! A goddamn thief and that's all! You're a lousy goddamn thief and that's all!

(Verse 2)

No good! Worthless! Lousy stinking worthless! You're a bum! You're just a bum! A goddamn bum and that's all! You're a lousy goddamn bum and that's all!

(Chorus)

Mother worked so hard to raise you right, to give you class. Then you turn into a weasel, just a lousy goddamn ass.

(Verse 3)

Trouble! trouble! Lousy stinking trouble! You're a pain! You're just a pain! A goddamn pain and that's all! That's all!

11. Dialogue - "Who is this?"

CHROME

Who is this guy, BOBBY?

BOBBY

This is JOE. My neighbor.

JOE

I live next door. I gave Bobby a ride.

BOBBY

This is my sister CHROME, JOE.

JOE

Hello, CHROME.

CHROME

Hello, JOE. You gave him a ride, a ride to jail. Straight to jail.

BOBBY

Listen, CHROME...

CHROME

Listen? Listen? Listen? To a stupid robber? Bank robber?

BOBBY

It wasn't a bank...

CHROME

Stupidest bank robber ever. Guiness World record for stupid.

JOE

Robber? BOBBY? A bank robber?

BOBBY

It wasn't a bank. The casino where CHROME and DOLORES work. I held up the cage.

CHROME

So JOE wasn't in on the deal?

JOE

I don't think I was. I hope not. (To BOBBY) Where'd you go, BOBBY, when I stopped for gas?

BOBBY

I held up the casino yesterday.

CHROME

The holdup! Where did you get the idea for a holdup?

BOBBY

I knew when the cashiers changed shifts, and knew the back door to the cage.

CHROME

So you figured you'd just help yourself?

BOBBY

It seemed like a good idea, right up to when I said "This is a hold-up". Right then I knew. I knew I had made a big mistake!

CHROME

Why didn't you stop, BOBBY?

JOE

Why didn't he stop? Why didn't he stop? Here's how it would sound: "This is a hold-up!---Oh, never mind!".

CHROME

I see the problem. "This is a hold-up!---Oops! Wrong room!"

JOE

"This is a hold-up!---Cut! That's a wrap!"

CHROME

"This is a hold-up!---That's what the voices told me to say."

JOE

(Points finger like a pistol) "THIS IS A HOLD-UP!" (Relaxes stance and addresses the audience) "Now whenever you hear someone say that..."

CHROME

(Finishes JOE's line)"...cooperate. Don't be a hero!"

12. Song - Never Mind! - CHROME and JOE


(Verse 1)

CHROME

(Addressing the audience) "Fire! Fire! Flames and conflagration!" (Relaxing stance) "Oh never mind."

JOE

(Addressing CHROME) "I'm a world renouned designer and I'm looking for a gorgeous super-model super-star" (Relaxing stance) "Oh never mind"

(Chorus)

CHROME

Never mind. That isn't what I really meant.

JOE

Never mind. That wasn't really my intent.

CHROME and JOE

Never mind. I made an innocent mistake. Never mind. Forget it, take my hand and shake.

(Verse 2)

CHROME

(Addressing JOE) "My uncle just gave me a billion billion dollars and told me to give away half!" (Relaxing stance) "Oh never mind."

JOE

(Addressing CHROME) "Oh my darling, will you marry me? " (Relaxing stance) "Oh never mind."

(Chorus)

(As above)

13. Dialogue - "Stupid robbery!"

CHROME

Stupid robbery. Too bad JOE wasn't in on the job. He could have helped you back out.

JOE

Me? Help rob a bank?

BOBBY

It wasn't a bank, JOE.

JOE

That's too exciting for me. I'm a bookkeeper, not a bank robber.

BOBBY

JOE's more than a bookkeeper, CHROME. He's got a great job.

CHROME

Hold it! Bobby!? This guy, JOE.

(YOU FIGURE ON FIXING ME UP partial reprise)


You figure on fixing me up?
That's crazy, a lunatic dream.
The misses and matches still puzzle the wise.
So say a goodbye to your scheme.

BOBBY

Me? Fix up you and JOE? No way. No, no, no. Joe's a great neighbor, a really great neighbor. But for a boyfriend, a husband He'd be a nightmare, a nightmare. JOE just gave me a ride.

CHROME

A ride? Here? Why would you want to come here? Two cashiers recognized you. Such a stupid disguise. Guiness World stupid. Moustache and glasses. Groucho Marx. Groucho Marx.

BOBBY

I knew it wasn't working.

CHROME

Now, BOBBY, do you remember JOHNNY STARR?

BOBBY

JOHNNY STARR? Doesn't he work at The Kings Castle.

JOE

It's The Kings Chapel, BOBBY. 'Chapel', not 'Castle'.

CHROME

Castle, Chapel, whatever. JOHNY STARR doesn't work there anymore. He's a cop.

BOBBY

JOHNNY STARR. He's a cop? Isn't he the guy who dated...the guy who dated...whats-her-name? Whats-her-name, with the giant...with the great big...

JOE

Honey-dews?

BOBBY and JOE

Honey dews.

14. Song - Honey-Dews - BOBBY and JOE


(Verse)

BOBBY

Honey-dews, gozongas,

JOE

beach-balls, balloons. Cannon balls and haystacks,

BOBBY

melons and mounds. Coconuts and headlights,

JOE

mountains, and hills.

BOBBY

Nice rack,

JOE

good stack.

BOBBY and JOE

What was her name?

(Chorus)

BOBBY

What's her name, she was such a beauty.

JOE

What's her name, she had such a smile.

BOBBY

What's her name, silky legs, from the floor up to glory.

JOE

and the shape I still see in my dreams.

BOBBY and JOE

What's her name? What's her name?ag What was her name?

(Verse)

BOBBY

Such a lovely lady,

JOE

Cheerful and neat. Sunny disposition.

BOBBY

Perky and sweet. And of course the boom booms,

JOE

Va va va vooms.

BOBBY

Nice rack,

JOE

good stack.

BOBBY and JOE

What was her name?

15. Dialogue - "Olsen, Sugar Olsen"

CHROME

OLSEN. SUGAR OLSEN. Her name is SUGAR OLSEN.

BOBBY

Right. JOHNNY STARR's girlfriend. JOHNY works at The Kings Chapel.

CHROME

He used to work there. But he doesn't anymore. He's a policeman here in PRIMM. A sergeant. He's already been here looking for you, BOBBY.

BOBBY

I'm not surprised, CHROME. A big manhunt, after a casino hold-up.

CHROME

Casino hold-up?!. Do you know how much you got?

BOBBY

Seven hundred thirty two dollars.

CHROME

Seven hundred thirty two dollars! Loose change, hardly worth counting. You left behind four hundred thirty two thousand. Dollars

BOBBY

I didn't want four hundred and thirty two thousand. I just wanted enough to get to Mexico.

CHROME

Mexico?

JOE

BOBBY means the Grand Tayopa, CHROME.

CHROME

The Grand Toyota, BOBBY?

BOBBY

Tayopa. Tayopa. The Lost Jesuit Mine in northwest Mexico.

CHROME

Wasn't that a movie?

BOBBY

Not a movie. Not a joke. It's the Lost Jesuit Mine, and I've got a map.

JOE

It's BOBBY's get-rich daydream, CHROME.

(THE GRAND TAYOPA partial reprise)


Dark in a cavern it gleams in the sunlight.
You climb up a cliff and then swing on a rope.
The fabulous Grand Tayopa and he has a map.

CHROME

Well you aren't going to Mexico. You're going straight to jail. For your armed hold-up. Wait a minute! Armed hold-up? Armed? Where did you get a gun?

BOBBY

It was just a toy gun, my old cap gun. I found it going through my kid stuff looking for toys.

CHROME

Toys?

BOBBY

For the baby.

CHROME

Baby? Baby? You told DOLORES that was her problem! Her problem!.

BOBBY

I was just surprised when she told me she was pregnant. Then I realized that I want to have a kid.

CHROME

Have a kid? Then you walk out and leave her all of the problems, like our dear daddy who walked out on Mother then showed up with presents at Christmas and birthdays!

16. Song - Heeere's Daddy! - CHROME


(Verse 1)

Heeere's daddy, with some goodies for his darlings. Heeere's daddy, see the circus don't be late. Heeere's daddy, stop for ice cream have another. Heeere's daddy, 'til he's got to go to meet his goddamn hot chick younger date.

(Verse 2)

Heeere's daddy, Hold my hand and let's go shopping. Heeere's daddy, get some lunch at Pizza Hut. Heeere's daddy, here's some money don't tell mommy. Heeere's daddy, 'til he's got to go to meet his goddamn big-ass round-heel slut.

(Chorus)

Hey kids! Bye bye gotta go. Gotta find myself. Adios, sayonara, go with the flow. So long, checkin out, gotta get some room. It'll all be best for all. Bye bye gotta go.

(Verse 3)

Wheeere's daddy, when there's trouble with the homework? Wheeere's daddy, When the doctor bills are bad? Wheeere's daddy, when you need someone to talk to? Wheeere's daddy, when the kids would like to look across the room and see their dad?

17. Dialogue - "I wouldn't be that kind of father"

BOBBY

I wouldn't be that kind of father. I know all the trouble, for Mother...

CHROME

Every man runs out when things get tough or things get boring. They've got to find themselves. They've got to find out who they are.

BOBBY

Not every man runs out. Not JOE's brother.

CHROME

JOE's brother?

BOBBY

JOE's brother, he has four kids.

CHROME

Four kids?

BOBBY

And one more on the way. That's what JOE wants too.

JOE

What? I want four kids? Who says?

BOBBY

(To JOE) That's what you say, JOE, we're sitting on the front steps, watching traffic. You always mention your brother and his children. That's the kind of Thanksgiving dinner you want.

JOE

Yes, but, ...

BOBBY

But first you gotta find yourself a four-kid woman. Not someone like CHROME. She only wants two kids.

CHROME

Two kids? I want two kids? Who says? Who says?

BOBBY

Nancy and Donald, say.

CHROME

Nancy and Donald?

BOBBY

Your dolls, CHROME. You carried them around everywhere. You always told them you were going to have two kids. Two kids.

CHROME

That was before...

BOBBY

...before Dad ran out.

CHROME

Two kids...

BOBBY

JOE wants four kids. Don't you, JOE?

JOE

(To CHROME) Four's just a number. You go 'til you stop.

BOBBY

Two kids or four kids, just

(THANKSGIVING partial reprise)


BOBBY

Think of the Thanksgiving dinner.

JOE

You pester the kids not to bicker and shout.

CHROME

Find extra chairs, maybe borrow a few.

CHROME, BOBBY, and JOE

Family just starting out.

JOE

How did we get on this subject.

CHROME

How'd we get on this subject.

(A knock at the door.)

CHROME

That'll be Dolores. She forgot her key again.


SCENE 3: DOLORES, CHROME, BOBBY, and JOE

18. Dialogue - "Hi, Dolores"

(CHROME and DOLORES's apartment in Primm. CHROME, BOBBY, and JOE.)

(DOLORES enters)

CHROME

Hi, Dolores...

BOBBY

Hello, honey.

DOLORES

Honey? Honey! Honey? (Begins hitting BOBBY as soon as she sees him) Honey?

(JAILBIRD partial reprise)


Weasel! Scum-bag!
Lousy stinking scum-bag!
You're a waste!
You're just a waste!
A goddamn waste and that's all!
You're a lousy goddamn pain and that's all!

DOLORES

BOBBY? CHROME? Who's this guy?

CHROME

BOBBY's neighbor. He gave BOBBY a ride.

BOBBY

He lives next door. His name is JOE. He gave me a ride. JOE, This is DOLORES.

JOE

Hi, DOLORES.

DOLORES

Hello, JOE.

BOBBY

My girlfriend.

DOLORES

Ex-girlfriend. (To JOE) Hi Joe. (To BOBBY) He gave you a ride. A ride to jail. Goddamn bank robber!

BOBBY

It wasn't a bank...

DOLORES

Who cares? Get out! Goddamn get goddamn out!

BOBBY

I did it for the baby...

DOLORES

Baby! You said that was my problem! My problem!

BOBBY

I was just surprised when you told me... Then I realized I want a kid, I want a baby.

DOLORES

You want a baby? You want a kid? So you can show up at Christmas and birthdays?

(HEEERE'S DADDY partial reprise)


Heeere's daddy!
Must be birthday maybe christmas.
Heeere's daddy!
Take us out to see a game.
Heeere's daddy!
Gets us home a little early.
Heeere's daddy!
Calls me 'Baby' cause the bastard doesn't even know my goddamn name!

DOLORES

But you're not going to show up at Christmas or birthdays. You're going to be in goddamn jail! Goddamn jail!

BOBBY

I won't go to jail. I know that I ought to, but

CHROME

Dolores, Dolores, remember JOHNNY STARR?

DOLORES

JOHNNY STARR? Doesn't he work at The Kings Castle?

BOBBY

It's The Kings Chapel, DOLORES. 'Chapel', not 'Castle'.

CHROME

He doesn't work there any more. He's a policeman.

DOLORES

JOHNNY STARR. The guy that dated, what's her name, with the big, the big...?

(HONEY-DEWS partial reprise)


CHROME

Honey-dews, gozongas, beach-balls, balloons,

CHROME

Her name is SUGAR. SUGAR OLSEN.

DOLORES

Right. JOHNNY STARR. He works at The Kings Chapel.

CHROME

He used to work there. He's a policeman now. He's been here. Looking for BOBBY.

BOBBY

That's why we've got to go.

DOLORES

We? We? We have to go? There's no 'WE'! There's no Goddamn 'WE'! No 'we'!

BOBBY

I want us to get married...

DOLORES

Married? Married? Marry a goddamn robber? With a goddamn bag. of goddamn stolen goddamn dollar bills?

BOBBY

$732. That will enough...

DOLORES

Enough? Enough? For what?

BOBBY

To get us to Mexico...The Grand Tayopa.

DOLORES

Grand Toyota?

CHROME

Tayopa. Tayopa. It's the Lost Silver Mine. In the Mexican Sierras.

DOLORES

(To CHOME) Wasn't that a movie?

BOBBY

Not a movie. Not a joke.

CHROME

It's BOBBY's get-rich daydream, DOLORES.

(THE GRAND TAYOPA partial reprise)


Next to the Hyatt on Interstate Eighty
between Colonel Sanders and Jack-in-a-Box
The glorious Grand Tayopa, and he has a map.

BOBBY

I have a map. It shows just where it is, The Grand Tayopa.

DOLORES

A map. A map. A goddamn stupid treasure map. Stupid. Guiness World stupid.

(The doorbell rings.)

CHROME and DOLORES

I bet that's JOHNNY STARR!


SCENE 4: SGT STARR, CHROME, BOBBY and JOE

19. Dialogue - "Hi, Dolores, hello, Chrome"

(CHROME and DOLORES's apartment in Primm. DOLORES, CHROME, BOBBY, and JOE.)

(SGT STARR enters)

SGT STARR

Hi, DOLORES, hello, CHROME. Hello, BOBBY.

BOBBY

Hi, Johnny. I mean, hi, Sergeant Starr. I guess you don't work at The Kings Castle anymore.

CHROME

It's The Kings Chapel, BOBBY. Chapel, not Castle.

SGT STARR

I still work there. Part-time. That's where I get my show-biz thrills, a chance to perform. But in real life I'm a cop. A police Sergeant. That's why I'm here, BOBBY. Let's go. We're gonna need the handcuffs.

(SGT STARR handcuffs BOBBY.)

I didn't figure you for a bank robber.

JOE

It wasn't a bank.

SGT STARR

By the way, who's this other guy?

DOLORES

That's JOE, BOBBY's neighbor.

SGT STARR

Hi JOE.

JOE

Hi Sergeant.

DOLORES

JOE gave BOBBY a ride. He wasn't in on the hold up.

SGT STARR

OK. Ready, BOBBY? Time to go.

BOBBY

Sergeant, didn't you date... what's-her-name...what's-her-name...with the giant...

(HONEY-DEWS partial reprise)


SGT STARR

You must mean SUGAR's honey-dews, gozongas, beach-balls, balloons.

SGT STARR

That's right. I dated Sugar, Sugar Olsen. I dated her. I married her. We've got four kids. All boys. You know what Sugar calls me? 'Sugar'. 'Sugar'. The boys think it's wierd. "Hi, Sugar!", "Hello, Sugar!" Now, Bobby, let's go.

BOBBY

Listen JOHNNY, I mean Sergeant STARR, I know you've got to take me in. But, could we stop off...

SGT STARR

Stop off?

DOLORES

I bet it's The Grand Tayopa! The Grand Tayopa!

SGT STARR

Grand Toyota?

DOLORES

Tayopa. Tayopa. The lost silver mine. Mexico.

SGT STARR

Wasn't that a movie?

BOBBY

Not a movie. Not a joke. It's the Lost Jesuit Mine, and I have a map.

DOLORES

It's BOBBY's get-rich daydream, SGT STARR.

THE GRAND TAYOPA partial reprise)


High on a beanstalk on Buttermilk Mountain.
A gingerbread house and a magical wand.
The mystical Grand Tayopa and he has a map.

SGT STARR

Ah yes, a map. The lost silver mine. Like winning a lottery ticket. Or like buying some houses with no money down. I did all that. Then I settled down with SUGAR.

DOLORES

No more treasures?

SGT STARR

I have plenty of treasures. I get them a day at a time.

20. Song - Day by day by day - SGT STARR


(Verse 1)

I take my treasures day by day by day. A little here, a little there, OK. The simple joys that never fade away. I take my treasures day by day by day.

(Verse 2)

I take my pleasures day by day by day. Don't ask too much, don't look too close, and pray, to keep my luck and love above the fray. I take my pleasures day by day by day.

(BREAK)

I have breakfast, with my wife and boys, a joy that will last through the day. I have dinner, with all the shouts and noise. That's a treasure, come what may.

(Chorus)

||:Day by day, day by day. Day by day, day by day by day.:|| ||:La di da, la di da, da di da, la di la di da.:||

ALL

(Chorus repeats twice, double-time)

21. Dialogue - "That's for us, Dolores"

BOBBY

(To DOLORES) Day by day, DOLORES, that's for us. When I get out of the slammer, day-by-day, that's the way for us.

DOLORES

And the Toyota?

BOBBY

Tayopa. The Grand Tayopa. No Grand Tayopa for me. No Grand Tayopa.

22. Song - Leave the Rainbow - DOLORES and BOBBY


DOLORES

(Verse 1)

Leave the rainbow in the sky. Leave the silver, leave the prize. Teach your kids, console their cries. Your reward is in their eyes.

(Verse 2)

Stay at home and do your work. Mind your job and tend your chores. Coach your kids and open doors. When it's done, their smiles are yours.

(Bridge)

BOBBY

Should I go bowling with my buddies, sorry, got to watch the kids.

DOLORES

Should I go shopping with my sister, sorry, circumstance forbids.

(BOBBY)

Should I buy a motorcycle?

DOLORES

Take a cruise to Cozamel?

(DOLORES and BOBBY)

Maybe when the kids are grown. Only time will tell. When the kids are grown.

(Verse 3)

DOLORES and BOBBY

Turn them loose and let them go. Wave good-bye, make lots of noise. Let them learn that time destroys. In the end, you've earned your joys.

23. Dialogue - "Can we stop off?"

BOBBY

Sgt STARR, on the way to jail, can we stop off real quick? At the Kings Castle?

DOLORES

The Kings Chapel.

SGT STARR

The Kings Chapel, BOBBY? How about you, DOLORES, do you want to stop off?

DOLORES

I do.

DOLORES and BOBBY

I do.

BOBBY

OK. The Kings Chapel. CHROME and JOE can be your witnesses.

ENSEMBLE

The Kings Castle!

SGT STARR

Let's go. I'll take BOBBY, the rest of you follow.

(SGT STARR, BOBBY, DOLORES, JOE, and CHROME exit.)


24. INTERLUDE


SCENE 5: THE KINGS CASTLE

25. Dialogue - "Is this the Kings Castle?"

(The set becomes The Kings Chapel. SGT. STARR, BOBBY, DOLORES, JOE, and CHROME enter.)

SGT STARR

Is this the Kings Castle? Where's the manager? Where's the manager of this place?

(SUGAR enters)

SUGAR

Hi, Sugar!

EVERYONE BUY SUGAR

SUGAR! SUGAR OLSEN!

SGT STARR

SUGAR OLSEN STARR! Hi SUGAR!

SUGAR

Welcome, everyone!

SGT STARR

(Gesturing towards SUGAR) Ladies and gentlemen. This is the new manager of The Kings Castle.

CHROME, DOLORES, BOBBY, and JOE

Chapel!

SGT STARR

(Indicating SUGAR) My boss! (To Sugar) This'll be a quick one, Sugar. This is Bobby and Dolores. Bobby's headed for the County Jail. But first they'd like to say the big "I do". And this is CHROME and JOE. They'll be the witnesses.

SUGAR

I'll take care of these folks, Sugar, while you go get your outfit on.

SGT STARR

See you in a minute, SUGAR.

(SGT. STARR exits.)

SUGAR

Now, BOBBY and DOLORES, there's a box of mood rings over there. Sounds like you folks didn't have time to think of rings and such.

(DOLORES picks two mood rings from the box.)

CHROME

(To SUGAR) SUGAR, Johny told us, I mean SGT STARR told us, he said you have four boys? Four boys? Four boys?

SUGAR

Four boys? Four boys? No, no, no. Not four boys. I have four troubles! Four afflictions! Four disorders!

26. Song - How many ways? - SUGAR and SGT. STARR


SUGAR

(Verse 1)

How many ways can four boys make you curse? How many ways can four boys make you pray? How many ways can four boys make it just a little worse? Nobody knows and nobody wants to say.

(Verse 2)

How many ways can four boys make you frown? How many ways can four boys make a mess? How many ways can four boys make you jump around and clown? Nobody knows and nobody wants to guess.

(Chorus)

Joy and laughter? Sure I've got a lot. But joy and laughter, isn't all I've got.

SGT STARR

(Still behind the curtain) Shouts and curses? Sure you'll hear a few. But shouts and curses, isn't all that's true.

(SGT STARR emerges in his Elvis outfit.)

ALL BUT SGT STARR

. It's Elvis! SGT STARR Elvis!

SGT STARR (using an Elvis diction)

Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

SUGAR and SGT STARR

Bless our happy happy happy home

SUGAR

(Bridge)

DOLORES

Should I paint my toenails? Should I take a nap? Should I See a movie? Maybe laugh and clap? And leave the four Bandidos running loose? Just put my neck inside a handy noose!

(Verse 3)

SUGAR and SGT STARR

How many ways can four boys make you swear. How many ways can four boys make you yell. How many ways can four boys make you glower groan and glare. Nobody knows and nobody wants to tell.

SUGAR

(Verse 4)

SGT STARR

How many ways can four boys make you glad.

DOLORES

How many ways can four boys bring you cheer.

DOLORES and SGT STARR

How many ways can four boys make you sorry you were mad. Both of us know and we'll tell anyone who will hear. Both of us know and we'll tell anyone who will hear.

(ChorusE (as above))


27. Dialogue - "Now for the wedding ceremony"

SGT STARR

Now for the wedding ceremony.

JOE

Wait, SGT STARR. (To CHROME) Chrome. You and me. We hit it off. We connect. Now we could be prudent. We could be sensible.

CHROME

We could go out for dinner, and get acquainted

JOE

We could take some walks. We could talk it over...

CHROME

We could make some plans.

JOE

I could meet your friends

CHROME

and family.

JOE

Then in a year or so..

CHROME

We'd end up here.

JOE

We'd end up here.

CHROME and JOE

At the KINGS CASTLE

JOE

Now, that would be prudent.

CHOME

And that would be sensible.

JOE

A prudent and sensible year.

CHROME

A very long year.

JOE

So why waste time.

CHROME

Why hang back. So let's just...

JOE

Jump right in.

CHROME

Make the plunge.

CHROME and JOE

Take a leap.

(END CHROME and JOE alternating)


28. Song - Leap - JOE and CHROME


(Verse 1)

JOE

We may fall short of the target. We may fall down and crawl. But we won't change our goal or our reason. We'll give it our all, when we're jammed to the wall.

(Verse 2)

CHROME

We may not make what we aim for. We may fall short and fail. But we won't yield our dreams or ambition. We won't trim our sails, though we may not prevail.

(Chorus)

CHROME and JOE

We'll leap before we look. We'll jump without a glance. We'll dive right in the deepest part. We'll leap and take our chance. We'll leap and spread our arms. We'll see if we can fly. We'll plunge right off the highest point. We'll leap and take a try.

(Verse 3)

We may not get to heaven, on earth or in the sky. But we won't fold our wings or our feathers. We'll strive 'til we die, and we won't question why.

29. Dialogue - "Sgt Starr, can you do a double?"

CHROME and JOE

(To SGT. STARR) Sgt. STARR, can you do a double?

SGT STARR

Do a double? Certainly. But we've got to get moving. BOBBY's overdue.

(JOE hands SUGAR a credit card, and CHROME takes two mood rings out of the tray)

(The couples put on the rings during verses 1 and 2 below.)


30. Song - The Wedding Song (Playing for Home) - SGT. STARR


(LEAD-IN)

SGT STARR

Do you, BOBBY, and do you JOE, take these women as your lawful wedded wives?

BOBBY and JOE

We do, indeed we do, we truly do.

SGT STARR

No matter and regardless of how bitchy they become?

BOBBY and JOE

We do regardless and in all and each and every case.

SGT STARR

And do you CHROME, and you DOLORES, take these guys to be your lawful wedded men?

CHROME and DOLORES

We do, indeed we do, we truly do.

SGT STARR

No matter and regardless of what slobs you know they'll be?

CHROME and DOLORES

We do regardless and in all and each and every case.

SGT STARR

(Addressing all four) And all this goes in sickness, health, and what all else, in good times, bad times, and all the rest. For better, worse, or come what may. Til death you part?

CHROME and DOLORES, BOBBY and JOE

Til death us part.

SGT STARR

(Verse 1)

(Addressing BOBBY and DOLORES) BOBBY and DOLORES, I now pronounce you married. You both know all the rules. You're both now hitched to one big wagon, like a pair of mules. Playing for home.

(Verse 2)

(Addressing CHROME and JOE) CHROME and Mister JOSEPH, I now declare you're married. You both know all the laws. You're both now working with the other like alligator jaws. Playing for home.

(Verse 3)

(Addressing all four) The ceremony's over. You now are truly married. By law and my decree. You're all in matrimony land, where no one's fancy free. Playing for home.

(Chorus)

SGT STARR

Playing for home, the home team. Home team players now. Playing for home, your own team, bonded by one vow. Playing for home, the one team, playing for home.

ENSEMBLE

Playing for home, the home team. Home team players now. Playing for home, your own team, bonded by one vow. Playing for home, the one team. Playing for home. Playing for home.


31. Dialogue - "And now, Bobby and I have to leave"

SGT STARR

And now BOBBY and I have to leave you all. (To BOBBY) And BOBBY, don't ask for a stop at The Kings Bedroom. You don't get a honeymoon 'til you're out of the slammer.

BOBBY

Don't worry, SGT STARR. I'll be a model prisoner. Good bye, DOLORES. We'll start our day-by-day-by-day, real soon.

DOLORES

We started them today, BOBBY. Our day by days began today.

BOBBY

And thanks again for the ride, JOE.

JOE

My pleasure, BOBBY. It turned out to be quite a leap.

BOBBY

Are you surprised, JOE?

CHROME and JOE

We're surprised.

BOBBY and SGT STARR

It's the Kings Castle!

(SGT. STARR begins to lead BOBBY off.)

ENSEMBLE

OK, OK, OK. Kings Chapel!

32. Song - Leap - Day by day by DAY reprise


(1st reprise chorus - as original )

We'll leap before we look. We'll jump without a glance. We'll dive right in the deepest part. We'll leap and take our chance. We'll leap and spread our arms. We'll see if we can fly. We'll plunge right off the highest point. We'll leap and take a try.

(2nd reprise chorus)

We'll leap, and join the clouds. We'll soar, and see the sea. We'll shout, and hear the mountains roar. We'll make, a new decree. We'll dance, on mountain air. We'll laugh, with mountain birds. We'll join, the mountain jamboree, we'll sing, and say no words.

(3rd reprise chorus - as original )

We'll leap before we look. We'll jump without a glance. We'll dive right in the deepest part. We'll leap and take our chance. We'll leap and spread our arms. We'll see if we can fly. We'll Plunge right off the highest point. We'll leap and take a try.

(Break)

SGT STARR

Let's go to jail, BOBBY.

BOBBY

I'm ready, SGT. STARR. And DOLORES, CHROME, and JOE, you folks can follow us to give BOBBY a jailhouse goodbye.

DOLORES

I hope he gets congugal visits!

SGT STARR

Fat chance! I'll see you tonight, SUGAR.

(SUGAR)

Tonight, Sugar. And bring some corn dogs? To put the Caballeros to sleep?

(SGT STARR)

Let's go everyone, SUGAR has to close up.

(All but SUGAR exit)


(Tail-off)

SUGAR

||:Day by day, day by day. Day by day, day by day by day.:|| ||:La di da, la di da, la di da, la di la di da.:||

33. Exit Music