SPEEDOS

A musical comedy

LIBRETTO

Words and music by Phil Shaw



Contact:

Phil Shaw: phil@philshaw.com





Copyright © 2011, 2014 by Phil Shaw - All Rights Reserved



SPEEDOS

1. PRELUDE


2. Song - Listen up! - MAVIS and MARTIN

(MAVIS and MARTIN address the audience in interleaved monologues)


MARTIN

Would you like to hear a story? Would you like to know what's true? The play by play? The blow by blow? And all the gossip, all the scandal too?
I had a blind date last night I rolled the dice. I took a chance Listen up Listen up

MAVIS

Would you like to know what happened? Would you like my point of view? The honest truth? The latest word? And all the rumours, all the secrets too? I had a blind date last night I rolled the dice. I took a chance Listen up Listen up

MAVIS and MARTIN

I'll tell you all the details, all the hype and ballyhoo. The inside scoop. The early news. And all the whispers, all the lowdown too. Listen up. Listen up. I had a blind date last night I rolled the dice. I took a chance Listen up Listen up


3. Dialogue - "The best!"

(MAVIS and MARTIN address the audience in interleaved monologues)

MARTIN

It was the best. The very best. The very best date I ever had. The best blind date. The best any date. The best, the very best. What a woman.

MAVIS

The worst. The very worst. The very worst date I ever had. The worst blind date. The worst any date. The worst, the very worst. What a moron.

MARTIN

Her name is MAVIS.

MAVIS

His name is MARTIN.

MARTIN

MAVIS the marvelous.

MAVIS

MARTIN the moron.

MAVIS

I asked him what to wear.

MARTIN

We agreed to dress casual.

MAVIS

'Casual', he said.

MARTIN

I wore a sport coat of course.

MAVIS

A sport coat! A sport coat! He shows up in a sport coat! A sport coat! And a Christian Dior tie. Christian Dior!

MARTIN

And MAVIS? Marvelous MAVIS? She wore gorgeous old blue jeans and a T-shirt.

MAVIS

And there I am. In blue jeans and a T-shirt. Like I was cleaning house.

MARTIN

Bold. Stylish. Marvelous Mavis.

MAVIS

And dinner? Where did we eat?

MARTIN

We were going to eat at La Plage.

MAVIS

He said La Plage.

MARTIN

I've never been there. And what a coincidence.

MAVIS

Why did he pick La Plage? His dentist! He picked it because of his dentist!

MARTIN

La Plage is next door to my dentist! I never noticed it! I've got a ten o'clock appointment today.

MAVIS

But we didn't really eat at La Plage.

MARTIN

And right in front of La Plage, right outside...

MAVIS

We ate in front of La Plage.

MARTIN

A hot dog stand!

MAVIS

We had hot dogs, right in front of La Plage.

MARTIN

Right in front of La Plage. Right next door to my dentist.

MAVIS

His dentist! His dentist! He wanted to eat by his dentist! Hot dogs on the sidewalk! By his dentist!

MARTIN

MAVIS loved it. She loved it. Marvelous MAVIS.

MAVIS

Conversation. Did we talk?

MARTIN

Talk? Conversation?

MAVIS

The dentist! The dentist!

MARTIN

No need for that. Not with a woman like MAVIS.

MAVIS

How could I stop him from talking about his dentist?

MARTIN

Funny about my dentist, right next door. We laughed about that.

MAVIS

His dentist! His dentist! Always his dentist

MAVIS

Finally

MARTIN

And suddenly.

MAVIS

To stop that dentist talk.

MARTIN

Out of the blue

MAVIS

I had to ask the question.

MARTIN

She asked the question.

MAVIS

The horrible question.

MARTIN

The question I wanted.

MAVIS

The question I always avoid.

MARTIN

The question I waited to hear.

MAVIS

The question that bores me to tears.

MARTIN

The straight-line I needed.

MAVIS and MARTIN

I turned to him and said./She turned to me and said.

(MAVIS and MARTIN address each other in a dialogue, re-creating a scene from their blind date.)

(To MARTIN) What kind of work do you do?

MARTIN

(To MAVIS) What kind of work do I do?

MAVIS

Yes. What kind of work do you do?

MARTIN

I'm a swimsuit model.

MAVIS

A swimsuit model?

MARTIN

Yes. A swimsuit model. Speedos® mainly.

MAVIS

Who do you model for?

MARTIN

Nobody right now.

MAVIS

Who have you modelled for, in the past?

MARTIN

Nobody yet. I'm just getting started.

MAVIS

So you're not working as a swimsuit model today?

MARTIN

No. Not today.

MAVIS

And you've never worked as a swimsuit model before?

MARTIN

No, not yet.

MAVIS

But you're a swimsuit model.

MARTIN

Yes. Professional.

MAVIS

I see. I see. That must be interesting.

(End of the re-created scene. MAVIS and MARTIN now address the audience in interleaved monologues)

MAVIS

And there it was.

MARTIN

There it was.

MAVIS

He's delusional. Wishes and reality, all mixed up.

MARTIN

My suimsuit model joke. My very best joke.

MAVIS

He really does believe that he's a swimsuit model.

MARTIN

And MAVIS, she played along with the joke. Marvelous MAVIS

MAVIS

MARTIN the moron.

MAVIS

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait just a minute!

MARTIN

Hold on! Just hold on a minute!

MAVIS

Wait!

MARTIN

Hold on!

MAVIS

He was joking!

MARTIN

She didn't get it!

MAVIS

A swimsuit model! That was a joke!

MARTIN

A suimsuit model! She didn't even see it was a joke!

MAVIS

What a wit!

MARTIN

What a moron!

MARTIN. Marvelous MARTIN!

MARTIN

MAVIS. MAVIS the moron!


4. Song - Turning Point - MAVIS and MARTIN

(MAVIS and MARTIN soliloquize, thinking aloud.)


MAVIS

I feel a premonition, a hint of things to be. A sense of something coming and I'm the addressee. A turning point. A turning point.

MARTIN

I feel a slight foreboding, a change is in the air. A twist, a turn, a tumble, just waiting right out there. A turning point. A turning point.

MAVIS

Roll the dice, get it over. Toss a coin, make the play. Check the stars, thorn or clover. Deal the cards, see what they say.

MAVIS and MARTIN

(Vocalizing.)

MARTIN

Stop or go, choose your action. Make your bet, take your side. Good or bad, no retraction. Stand or fall, no place to hide.

MAVIS and MARTIN

It may turn out for better It may turn out for worse. The fates will bring a message, a blessing or a curse. The turning point. The turning point.


5. Dialogue - "Those blue jeans"

(Continuing the interleaved monologues.)

MARTIN

Those blue jeans and a T-shirt?

MAVIS

A Christian Dior tie.

MARTIN

She looked like she was cleaning house.

MAVIS

Style. MARTIN has style. Marvelous MARTIN.

MARTIN

And the hot dogs? Those jumbo hot dogs?

MAVIS

And the hot dogs! Right in front of La Plage!

MARTIN

So big I didn't even finish mine.

MAVIS

Wit and style! MARTIN has wit and style.

MARTIN

But MAVIS, she stuffed the whole thing down.

MAVIS

Marvelous MARTIN.

MARTIN

The worst. The very worst. The very worst date I ever had. The worst blind date. The worst any date. The worst, the very worst.

MAVIS

The best. The very best. The very best date I ever had. The best blind date. The best any date. The best, the very best.

MAVIS

This man is mine!

MARTIN

Never again!

MARTIN

That is a woman I'd kick out of bed, I'd kick out of bed, for eating potato chips.

MAVIS

This is a man I can really get focussed on.

MARTIN

She's trouble.

MAVIS

I'm not going to wait for him to call.

MARTIN

Boring

MAVIS

Oh yes! His dentist!

MARTIN

Not worth the bother

MAVIS

A ten o'clock appointment. His dentist! A ten o'clock appointment.

MARTIN

This one no.

MAVIS

Right next to La Plage.

MARTIN

Not for me.

MAVIS

I could just happen to run into him. Just happen to run into him.

MARTIN

Hope I never see that girl again.

MAVIS

Just by accident.

MARTIN

No way.

(MAVIS and MARTIN address each other in a dialogue.)

MAVIS

(To MARTIN) MARTIN! Darling! What are you doing here?

MARTIN

Uh, hi MAVIS.

MAVIS

Oh yes, your dentist! You had a ten o'clock appointment.

MARTIN

I was just leaving...

MAVIS

(Takes his arm) Have you had lunch?

MARTIN

I was on my way out...

MAVIS

We still haven't tried La Plage.

MARTIN

I've got a one o'clock appointment.

MAVIS

Let's see if it's as good as those gourmet hot dogs!

MARTIN

I really don't have much time...

MAVIS

My sister is having some people to dinner, this Saturday. Are you free?

MARTIN

I'll have to check my calendar...

MAVIS

Fine. And you'll wear your sport coat?

MARTIN

Sport coat?

MAVIS

And your Chistian Dior tie?

MARTIN

Christian Dior?

MAVIS

I want to show you off.

MARTIN

Show me off?

MAVIS

Pick me up at eight?

MARTIN

Well. You'll wear your blue jeans?

MAVIS

Just for you.

MAVIS and MARTIN

We'll look just like last night. Now let's try La Plage!


6. Song - Today - MAVIS and MARTIN


(A duet.)

MAVIS and MARTIN

And now the closing number!

(Verse 1)

Last night when I turned out the light, I thought I knew my way around, the left and right, the up and down. But suddenly, suddenly... Today isn't what I thought tomorrow would be yesterday.

(Verse 2)

Last night when I called it a day, I thought I knew the game I'm in, the which and what, the where and when. But suddenly, suddenly... Today isn't what I thought tomorrow would be yesterday.

(Bridge)

Plant yourself some roses. Water them each day. And when they bloom they'll blossom daffodils, no matter what you say.

Pose yourself some questions, ask them though you know, the answers will be puzzles, pranks, and plagues. You reap not what you sow.

(Verse 3)

Tonight when we wrap up the show, we think we know just what to do, the protocol, the ballyhoo. But soon we'll see, soon we'll surely say... Today isn't what we thought tomorrow would be yesterday.

(MAVIS and MARTIN enter La Plage.)


7. Exit Music