SPRING BREAK

A musical comedy

LIBRETTO

Words and music by Phil Shaw



Contact:

Phil Shaw: phil@philshaw.com





Copyright © 2012, 2014 by Phil Shaw - All Rights Reserved



SPRING BREAK

1. Overture

2. Song - Majorca - CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

(A classroom. MAC, ARTHUR, and CANDY enter.)

CANDY

Spring break, MAC! Spring break!

MAC

Work, CANDY! Work!

CANDY

Majorca, MAC, we should be flying to Majorca. Not hanging out here at the school, waiting for some lecture.

MAC

Listen, CANDY, ARTHUR and I just got lucky on that first commercial we sold.

ARTHUR

A singing commercial, MAC!

MAC

And now we've got to write more commercials. We've got to build a reputation.

CANDY

We're still students, MAC. Students have fun. Students take spring break trips.

MAC

But we're just about to graduate, CANDY. And it's time for us to think about just how we're ever going to earn a paycheck.

ARTHUR

Maybe we could take a little break, MAC, for spring break. I was gonna take a road trip up to Idaho, not stay and work.

CANDY

Listen to ARTHUR, MAC. Let ARTHUR go to Idaho. And you and me, we go to Spain! To Majorca, MAC! Majorca!

CANDY

(Verse 1)

We'll walk along the beaches in the morning. We'll sail upon the ocean in the sunny afternoon. We'll dance and drink champagne and laugh at any silly warning on a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

You can't pick tomatoes if you don't plant the vine!

CANDY

(Verse 2)

It's time to leave our workaday behind us. It's time to fly to some exotic place and play til dawn. It's time to see what time is like when timeless days unwind us on a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

You can't plant potatoes if you don't plow the line!

(Door knock.)

CANDY

Come in!

(J.J. enters.)

J.J.

Excuse me, folks, is this Las Vegas University?

CANDY

Yes, that's right.

J.J.

And the lecture? Is this the place where it will be?

CANDY

The lecture? Yes, sir, this is the place. It starts at eleven o'clock.

J.J.

Thank you. I'll wait.

(J.J. sits or stands to the side and listens.)


(Bridge)

MAC, let's make some mem'ries, make them for distant years. Let's live the good times, live them for distant laughter and tears.

(Verse 3)

We know that opportunity is fleeting. We know that chances come but once and can't be caught again. We know our careless college days are fading and retreating. Let's do it, let's get out, let's take off on a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

You can't count to twenty if you don't count to nine!


3. Dialogue - "Spring break, MAC" - CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

(MAC, ARTHUR, and CANDY sit.)

CANDY

Majorca! MAC! Majorca! We'll wear Wayfarers!® We'll sail a sailboat! I'll wear my bikini!

ARTHUR

That's worth the trip right there, MAC!

MAC

CANDY can wear her bikini at the Hard Rock pool.

CANDY

My bikini is just for Majorca!

ARTHUR

Come on, MAC, take off with CANDY. Majorca can be your spring break trip and also your anniversary trip. You and CANDY's third anniversary!

MAC and CANDY

What do you mean, ARTHUR? Third anniversary?

ARTHUR

You and CANDY met three months ago. We were all at the Hard Rock pool.

CANDY

You had such a nice smile, MAC. I thought you'd be good for a spring break trip.

ARTHUR

Spring break, MAC, spring break. Me for Idaho!

MAC

Listen, ARTHUR. We're music students. Music students. And in two months, two months, we're going to graduate.

ARTHUR

That's right, MAC. We'll have music degrees!

MAC

Think of jobs, ARTHUR, think of jobs. What kind of jobs can we get with music degrees? We'll be lucky to be stock boys at Walmart, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

Stockboys at Walmart, MAC?

MAC

Stockboys at Walmart.

MAC and ARTHUF

Stockboys at Walmart?


4. Song - Walmart - MAC and ARTHUR


MAC

Restock the Budweiser, spill on aisle eight. Price check on Cherios, cashier to front. Don't make the customers wait. Personal service in ladies apparel. Refund request at cashier number four. Cleanup in produce bring mops and a bucket. An unknown disturbance broke out right in front of the store. Now Walmart is just what a good store should be. Good products, good prices and tidy and neat. And Walmart employees are very fine people. Smiling and friendly and helpful and terribly sweet. But four years in college, the struggle, the grind. I've borrowed a bundle, I've promised and signed. So working at Walmart? A Walmart career? Be a stock boy at Walmart? Be a Walmart cashier? That's not what I had in mind. That is not, that is not, that is not, that is not, that is not what I had in mind.

ARTHUR

But MAC, we're music students! We'll have college degrees! We don't belong at Walmart!

MAC

Just repeat what I said, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

You said

Restock the Budweiser.
Spill on aisle eight.
Price check on Cherios.
Cashier to front? Don't make customers wait.

Personal service in ladies apparel.
Refund request at cashier number four.
Cleanup in produce bring mops and a bucket.
An unknown disturbance broke out right in front of the store.

MAC and ARTHUR

Now Walmart is just what a good store should be. Good products, good prices and tidy and neat. And Walmart employees are very fine folk. Smiling and friendly and helpful and terribly sweet. But four years in college, the struggle, the grind. We've borrowed a bundle, we've promised and signed. So working at Walmart? A Walmart career? Stock boy at Walmart? A Walmart cashier? That's not what we had in mind. That is not, that is not, that is not, that is not, that is not what we had in mind.


5. Dialogue - "We gotta write more commercials, ARTHUR" - CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

MAC

We gotta write more commercials, ARTHUR! We gotta make a name, start a business!

CANDY

After spring break, MAC! After Majorca!

MAC

Why don't we just stay here, CANDY.

CANDY

Just stay here? Just stay here? Just stay here?

MAC

We could see some shows.

CANDY

See some shows? See some shows! See some shows!?

MAC

Maybe go down to Boulder Dam.

CANDY

Boulder Dam? Boulder Dam! Boulder Dam!? Anyway, what are we doing here, MAC. We were supposed to be meeting for lunch.

MAC

Some sort of lecture, CANDY.

ARTHUR

We just got the notice this morning.

CANDY

How long is the lecture?

MAC

Maybe an hour. If it's longer we can leave.

CANDY

I made lunch reservations for noon.

MAC

Why reservations? Why do we need reservations for lunch?

CANDY

It just opened up. Everybody wants to try it.

MAC

Sounds expensive.

CANDY

They're going to comp us. I told them I'm from the Grand Palmetto hotel-casino. The new Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino.

MAC

You're just an intern.

ARTHUR

For CANDY, being an intern means running the place.

CANDY

Now this lecture, MAC, who's giving it?

MAC

I don't know. Some famous guy.

CANDY

Famous guy? Who?

MAC

Who knows. Who cares. He's a song writer or something.

ARTHUR

A famous guy nobody's heard of!

MAC

A famous guy nobody knows!

CANDY

A famous guy people call "What's-his-name"!

(J.J. steps to the front.)

J.J.

Excuse me, folks. The songwriter? The famous one you never heard of? That would be me, J.J. Dupree, the famous... the famous... Ah, yes. Fame. Ah, yes. Fame, indeed.


6. Song - Fame - J.J.


JJ

Sometimes when I walk into a party, and I see that there is not a single person there that I have ever met. And then I hear the talk. Then I hear the talk: "Isn't that J.J. Dupree?" "You're right! It is! I saw him once on TV!" "I love his shows! I've seen them all." "I met him once, he shook my hand. I doubt if he would recall." ------ But. But. But then another day I find I'm in another party, and I see again there's not a single person there that I have ever met. And then again the talk. Then again the talk: "Who is that guy by the door?" "Who knows! Who cares. I never saw him before." "Somebody said he's J.J. DuPree." "Who is J.J. DuPree?" "Who knows! Who cares?" ------- You're famous for people who know of your fame. You're famous for people who live in your flame. You're famous for people who've heard of your name. and you're zero for everyone else, you're not in the game. Not in the game.


7. Dialogue - "You're J.J. Dupree?" - CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

CANDY

So you're J.J. Dupree?

J.J.

Jefferson Jackson Dupree.

CANDY

J.J. Dupree.

J.J.

J.J. Dupree.

CANDY

And your new Broadway show just opened at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino?

J.J.

Yes my new Broadway show, just opened at the new grand Palmetto hotel-casino.

CANDY

And what are you doing here, Mr Dupree?

J.J.

Call me J.J.. I believe I'm supposed to give a lecture.

CANDY

A lecture?

J.J.

A lecture. But I'm not sure just what I'm supposed to lecture about.

CANDY

Who set up the lecture? Who told you to do it?

J.J.

I don't remember his name. I believe he's a dean here at the school.

CANDY

Anyway, sir, it would have been best if you told the hotel

J.J.

Told the hotel?

CANDY

About the lecture.

J.J.

I don't think that they would have really been very much interested.

CANDY

They would have made sure the lecture was publicized. They would have made sure the lecture was in a large room. And they would have made sure the room was full.

ARTHUR

J.J., when CANDY says 'they' would have done all that, she means CANDY would have done all that.

J.J.

And I presume you are CANDY? CANDY the intern?

CANDY

I'm CANDY, the intern at the Grand Palmetto.

ARTHUR

For CANDY, being an intern means running the place.

CANDY

I would have made your talk a big event. In fact, let's schedule another talk. Not here at the school. We'll do it at the Grand Palmetto. We'll make it a combo deal. First they get your lecture. Then they get dinner. Then they get your show.

J.J.

I'm not sure...

MAC

Just do what CANDY says, J.J..

ARTHUR

You'll come out ahead.

MAC

Way ahead.

J.J.

But anyway, there's still today's lecture. Let's see what sort of lecture I can do today. Have you all seen my show? (Pause.) No? Have any of you seen my show? (Pause.) No? Would any of you like to see my show? (Pause.) My new Broadway hit. It's called Roses Bloom on Sunday?

ARTHUR

Roses Bloom on Sunday?

J.J.

Yes, ARTHUR, Roses Bloom on Sunday.

ARTHUR

I saw that!

J.J.

I thought you hadn't seen my show.

ARTHUR

I didn't know it was your show. My aunt was in town last weekend and I had to take her to something. She's seen all the Cirque du Soleil shows.

J.J.

So my show is for visiting aunts who've seen all the Cirque shows. Oh, well. Your aunt will be another customer for the Grand Palmetto.

ARTHUR

She's staying at Caesars Palace. We thought that's where your show was.

J.J.

My show was going to be at Caesars. I changed it to the Grand Palmetto because of...

MAC and ARTHUR

Because of CANDY!

J.J.

CANDY?

MAC and ARTHUR

You moved your show from Caesars to the Grand Palmetto because of CANDY!

J.J.

Because of CANDY?

CANDY

I worked out the deal.

J.J.

You worked out the deal? What deal?

CANDY

I found out you're from Jefferson, Missouri.

J.J.

Jefferson Lake, Missouri.

CANDY

Jefferson Lake. You still go back there a lot. They've been raising money for the town square, to fix it up.

J.J.

The town square. That's Jackson Park. Right in the center of town. Jackson Park. It has broken fences, busted benches, crumbling sidewalks. Completely run-down.

CANDY

The Grand Palmetto paid for the Jackson Park fix up. And so you let us do your show. You let us do your show.

J.J.

Jackson Park. Jackson Park. I'll tell you about Jackson Park.


8. Song - Jackson Park - J.J.


JJ

There were tables, where the old men playing checkers told their stories. There were oak trees where the brave boys got a lift to reach the botton limbs then tried to climb to glory. Jackson Park. Jackson Park. There were benches, where the grandmas told about their ailments and distresses Sidewalks where the jump-rope girls told stories of you-know-her-name who wore such ugly dresses. Jackson Park. Jackson Park. Now there's the bushes where the busy boys sell poppers, horse, and downers. And the blankets where the tattoo girls pull down their jeans and sell their stuff to out-of-towners. Damn, there go the happy thoughts of yesterdays and happy times. I guess I'll join the frowners. Jackson Park. Jackson Park.


9. Dialogue - "But Jackson Park is somewhere else" - CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

Anyway, Jackson Park re-opens this Fourth of July. There'll be a parade of course, led by the Grand Parade Marsh-a-all... Grand Parade Marsh-a-all? Kind of awkward. How about ...Grand Par-a-ade Marshall. Grand Par-a-ade Marshall? Yuk! Ah! Here it is! ...led by the Grand Parade Grand Marshall,

ALL

The Grand Parade Grand Marshall,

J.J.

Mr. J.J. Dupree!

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

Jefferson Jackson Dupree!

J.J.

But Jackson Park is somewhere else. Today I'm giving a lecture. Today I'm giving a lecture to you three folks. To you three folks who, well, what do you folks do?

MAC

Well, for CANDY obviously...

ARTHUR

Hotels are her game.

J.J.

Obviously.

MAC

And ARTHUR and I...

ARTHUR

...do singing commercials.

J.J.

Singing commercials! Excellant! Let's hear one!

MAC

Well, the only commercial we have on the radio now is for Ralph's.

ARTHUR

Ralph's Big Job Plumbing.

J.J.

Ralph's Big Job Plumbing?

ARTHUR

Ralph's Big Job Plumbing.

J.J.

Let's hear it!

MAC

OK...

ARTHUR

...here goes.

MAC and ARTHUR

Our commercial for Ralph's Big Job Plumbing.


10. COMMERCIAL: 'Ralph's Big-Job Plumbing'

(Commercials for Ralph's Big-Job Plumbing)


MAC and ARTHUR

(Commercial for Ralph's.)


Big-job plumbing?
I'm too lonely to think about that.
I need me a luscious lady,
who knows what a man really needs.
I need me a luscious lady,
who cooks and cleans and breeds.
Ralph's Big-Job Plumbing.
A cool place to meet hot chicks.

(End of commercial.)


11. Dialogue - "Wonderful! I'm sold" - CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

J.J.

(Applauds.) Wonderful! I'm sold! Ralph's Big Job Plumbing gets all my big job plumbing. Let's hear another commercial.

MAC

That's all we've done.

ARTHUR

So far.

ARTHUR

We just got started in the business.

J.J.

How'd you get started? How'd you get the job for Ralph's?

MAC and ARTHUR

CANDY.

J.J.

Ah, CANDY again. So it's CANDY's job to find your next job.

CANDY

That won't be hard. I'll find them something as soon as MAC and I get back from our spring break trip.

J.J.

Oh yes, your spring break trip. Majorca.

CANDY

Yes. Majorca or Boulder Dam. That damn Boulder Dam.

MAC

ARTHUR and I have work to do, and Majorca's expensive.

J.J.

Expensive? So the commercial the guys did for Ralph's wouldn't pay for a spring break trip?

CANDY

MAC and I don't need money. We've got plastic. We just need the spring break spirit, but MAC and I, we just aren't...we aren't flapping the same wings!

J.J.

You aren't juggling the same hoops.

CANDY

We aren't milking the same cow.

J.J.

You aren't kicking in the same can.

CANDY

We aren't kicking the same can-can.

MAC

Stop! Stop! ARTHUR and I are kicking the can of ambition! Ambition!

CANDY

Ambition? Ambition doesn't mean you have to go without a break! Ambition doesn't mean you're a workaholic!

MAC

Workaholic! Workaholic!

J.J.

Well, MAC, if you and ARTHUR want to be workaholics, here's a job you can workaholic on. Do a commercial for my show. Do a commercial for my new Broadway hit, Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new grand Palmetto hotel-casino.

MAC

A commercial?

ARTHUR

For your show?

J.J.

Yes. A singing commercial for my new Broadway hit, Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino.

MAC

Give us a minute...

ARTHUR

We'll work something out.

MAC

We'll be right over there.

CANDY

That will give J.J. and I some time to chat.


12. Song - The Commercial Conference - CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

MAC

Well, ARTHUR...

ARTHUR

Well, MAC...

MAC

We've just got a minute over here.

ARTHUR

We need an idea.

MAC

Something to show J.J.

ARTHUR

And CANDY.

MAC

ARTHUR, we could "BA da BA da BA".

ARTHUR

Or simply "BA da BA da BA".

MAC

Then we toss it up and see if it will fly.

ARTHUR

But we wouldn't want to "BA da".

MAC

And we must avoid a "BA da".

MAC and ARTHUR

That would never work, we wouldn't want to try.

J.J.

CANDY, it looked like rain this morning, but it hasn't started yet.

CANDY

The northeast wind may blow it by, that's what I'm gonna bet.

MAC

ARTHUR maybe "BA da BA da BA"?

ARTHUR

Or even "BA da BA da BA"?

MAC

Then we snap the lock and see if that's the key.

ARTHUR

We can start it "BA da BA da".

MAC

Then we end it "BA da BA da".

MAC and ARTHUR

That will wrap it up as neat as one-two-three!

CANDY

J.J., they're closing down Flamingo for some road repairs tonight.

J.J.

I'll stay on Tropicana then. I should get home all right.

MAC

Now, ARTHUR, let's remember "BA da BA".

ARTHUR

And there is always "BA da BA".

MAC

Then we lay it down and see if it will crawl.

ARTHUR

And then "BA da BA da BA da".

MAC

With a "BA da BA da BA da".

MAC and ARTHUR

Yes and that's the most important point of all.

J.J.

CANDY, I heard there's talk of putting some new theme park here in town.

CANDY

There's talk, but no finances yet. The deal isn't going down.

MAC

We can call the husband "Lester".

ARTHUR

And his wife let's call her "Maude".

MAC

Then we light it up and see if it will glow.

ARTHUR

"BA da BA da BA da BA".

MAC

"BA da BA da BA da BA".

MAC

Now let's water it and see if it will grow.

ARTHUS

Let's sit on it and see if it will hatch.

MAC

Let's crank it up and see if it will go.

(MAC and ARTHUR finish their commercial for J.J..)

MAC

Here's a commercial for your show, J.J..

ARTHUR

First version.

MAC and ARThUR

Here goes!


13. COMMERCIAL: 'The New Broadway Hit'

ARTHUR and MAC as MAUDE and LESTER

(First commercial for J.J.'s show.)


MAUDE

LESTER? LESTER? LESTER!

LESTER

What, MAUDE? What? What? What? What? What?

MAUDE

Let's go see the new Broadway hit, Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino. It's right from Broadway, LESTER, Broadway.

LESTER

Boring, MAUDE. Boring. Boring. Broadway's really boring.

MAUDE

Boring? LESTER? Boring? Staying home is boring. Let's get out. Let's go see that show.

LESTER

Broadway's really, really, boring. Who wants to see the new Broadway hit, Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino.

MAUDE

You're a problem, LESTER.

LESTER

But I'm your problem, MAUDE.

(End of the first commercial for JJ's show.)

MAC

And here's the second commercial, J.J..

MAC and ARTHUR

Here goes!

(Second commercial for J.J.'s show.)


MAUDE

LESTER? LESTER? LESTER!

LESTER

What, MAUDE? What? What? What? What? What?

MAUDE

We should see the new Broadway hit, it's called Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino. There may be showgirls, LESTER, showgirls.

LESTER

Showgirls, MAUDE? Showgirls? Showgirls? Maybe they'll be topless?

MAUDE

Topless, LESTER? Topless? Broadway isn't topless. You can get topless someplace else.

LESTER

If the showgirls aren't topless, I don't want to see the new Broadway hit, called Roses Bloom on Sunday, now playing at the new Grand Palmetto hotel-casino.

MAUDE

You're a problem, LESTER.

LESTER

But I'm your problem, MAUDE.

(End of the second commercial for JJ's show.)

(End of ARTHUR and MAC as MAUDE and LESTER)

14. Dialogue - "Splendid! I'll use it!" - CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

J.J.

(Applauds) Splendid commercial for my show! I'll use it! I'll tell my advertising guy that CANDY will call him, after her spring break trip.

CANDY

Never mind about a spring break trip. There will never be a spring break trip. MAC and ARTHUR will stay here and work on your commercial. I'll go visit my sister. Or maybe just hang out at Boulder Dam.

(J.J.'s cell phone rings)

That's my phone. Excuse me. It's Hal. I better take this call. (On the cell phone.)Hal, baby! Good to hear from you! (Listens.) So there's another show in trouble? (Listens.) Yes, I heard about all that. (Listens.) And you're gonna try and fix it? (Listens.) Sure, I can help. (Listens.) It's in London, right? (Listens.) I can get a flight tonight. (Listens.) I'll see you Friday morning at the theatre. Ciao, baby.

(J.J. hangs up the call.)

(To MAC, ARTHUR, and CANDY) Sorry for the interruption, folks. As you heard I've got to scoot to London. I guess that ends my would-be lecture. Good luck to MAC and ARTHUR on your commercials.

MAC and ARTHUR

Thanks, J.J..

J.J.

Good luck to CANDY on your hotel career.

CANDY

Thanks, J.J.. Good luck in London.

J.J.

Thanks. And good luck on your spring break trip.

CANDY

Fat chance!

J.J.

Ciao, folks.

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

Ciao, J.J.!

(J.J. exits.)


15. SONG - Majorca (reprise) - CANDY

CANDY

Well, MAC, I guess

(Verse 1)

I'll never see the beaches in the morning. I'll never sail the ocean on a sunny afternoon. I'll never dance or drink champagne or hear a friendly warning on a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

The test of a fiddle is the tune that it plays.

(Verse 2)

My workaday will work without a let up. The flight to that exotic place will leave me far behind. I'll wake up every day to just another day to daydream of a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

The test of a chicken is the egg that it lays.

(Bridge)

Leave the mem'ries laugh at the might-have-been. Live them someday, someday, but who knows when, who knows when.

(Verse 2)

My hope of one last college break is shattered. My dreams have turned to fantasies that wilt before they bloom. My plans have met reality, they never really mattered, there will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, be a spring break trip to Majorca.

MAC

The test of a candle is the light of its blaze.


16. DIALOGUE - "Who's that?" - CUDDLES, CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

(Door knock.)

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

Who's that?

(J.J. enters.)

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

J.J.!

J.J.

Good! You're all still here!

J.J.

You're all still here. Before you leave, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I wish to state, with no reservations, no limitations, no stipulations, I want to assert, attest, affirm, avow, and asseverate, that I, J.J. Dupree, would never, under any circumstance, invite a hot young college cutie to accompany me to London for her spring break trip. I simply would not. I simply would not. I simply would not.

(CANDY checks her smart phone.)

CANDY

2:17? 3:21? 4:32? 5:30! 5:30 is good. It's just what I wanted! Just what I wanted indeed!

(CANDY puts away her smart phone.)

And no! No, no, no, no, no! I would never! Never! Never! Never! I would never, ever, tell a famous Broadway composer that I just booked two seats on British Airways flight 9 for his spring break trip to London with the hot young college cutie he said he would never invite to go along with him to London. That's British Air flight 9, at 5:30.

J.J.

British Air flight 9, at 5:30. You'll want to pack?

CANDY

I'll get what I need over there.

MAC

CANDY, are you really going to take off to London just like that? With J.J.? J.J.?

CANDY

(To MAC.)

Now MAC,


The tricks and turns of life can jolt and jar us.
The slips and slides along the way can startle and amaze.
The ins and outs of destiny can scramble all our gambles as the
evening flight leaves for London.

MAC

You can't be a boxer if you can't take a punch.

J.J.

(To MAC.)

Listen, MAC,

The slow and steady pace of life can soothe us
We think we know what lies ahead the next day and the next.
But when our rocking chair becomes a roller coaster ride we hear the
evening flight leave for London.

MAC

You can't buy bananas if you don't buy the bunch.

CANDY and J.J.

We'll see Buckingham Palace, the British Museum, and Stonehenge. I'll be Working with Hal on that show that needs so much repair. We'll go shopping in Mayfair, go dancing in Soho and so on. I'll be Figuring out how to fix up that show they say hasn't a hope or a prayer. Oh, well. Time will tell.

CANDY and J.J.

(To each other.)

We'll launch upon a lark to lovely London We know each other well enough to know there's more to know. And so tomorrow can't help but be full of more surprises on our Spring Break trip, our Spring Break trip.

MAC

You can't be a gambler if you won't play a hunch.

ARTHUR

Well, MAC, now it's me for Idaho and you for Boulder Dam.

MAC

ARTHUR, ARTHUR, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

What, MAC? what?

MAC

When we finish the commercial for J.J.s show, let's quit.

MAC

Let's quit?

MAC

Let's quit doing commercials!

ARTHUR

Quit doing commercials?

MAC

Quit doing commercials!

ARTHUR

Then we'll work at Walmart?

MAC

Not at Walmart! And no commercials! Let's go for the big time!

ARTHUR

Go for the big time?

MAC

Go for the big time! We'll write a Broadway show!

ARTHUR

Write a Broadway show? Us? You and me?

MAC

You and me. A Broadway show! We'll be famous! Walmart? We'll buy it! Then you and I will be the guys who run off with hot young college cuties.

ARTHUR

You and I write a Broadway show!

MAC

You and I write a Broadway show!

ARTHUR

A Broadway show! A Broadway show about...a Broadway show about...about what?

MAC

Well, a Broadway show about...

ARTHUR

A Broadway show about...maybe a show about a famous Broadway composer!

MAC

A famous Broadway composer!

ARTHUR

We'll have a famous Broadway composer come to town.

MAC

Come to town.

ARTHUR

We'll have a famous Broadway composer come to town and give a lecture.

MAC

Give a lecture.

ARTHUR

Give a lecture to some students.

MAC

To some students.

ARTHUR

To some students. For now, let's call the students MAC and ARTHUR.

MAC

Like you and me. MAC and ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

Just for now. MAC and ARTHUR.

MAC

MAC and ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

We'll have a famous Broadway composer come to town, and give a talk to MAC and ARTHUR.

MAC

To MAC and ARTHUR.

ARTHUR

We'll have a famous Broadway composer give a talk to MAC and ARTHUR. To MAC and ARTHUR, and also MAC's girlfriend!

MAC

Also MAC's girlfriend? Also MAC's girlfriend?

ARTHUR

Also MAC's girlfriend. And then we'll have the famous Broadway composer,

MAC

The famous Broadway composer.

ARTHUR

We'll have the famous Broadway composer walk away.

MAC

Walk away?

ARTHUR

Walk away. Walk away with MAC's girlfriend.

MAC

Walk away with MAC's girlfriend? Walk away with MAC's girlfriend!?

ARTHUR

Walk away with MAC's girlfriend, leaving MAC broken and beaten.

MAC

Broken and beaten?

ARTHUR

Crushed and confused.

MAC

Crushed and confused?

J.J.

No, MAC. No, ARTHUR. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You can't end your show like that!

MAC and ARTHUR

He says we can't end our show like that!

J.J.

You can't end your show with MAC standing there alone!

MAC and ARTHUR

He says we can't end our show with MAC standing there alone!

J.J.

MAC standing there alone, all alone, broken and beaten, crushed and confused, defeated and dejected.

CANDY

Demolished and destroyed.

ARTHUR and CANDY

Broken and beaten, crushed and confused, defeated and dejected, demolished and destroyed!

J.J.

Instead.

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

Instead.

J.J.

At the end of your show,

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

At the end of our show,

J.J.

there's a knock at the door.

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

there's a knock at the door.

J.J.

The door suddenly opens.

(The door opens.)

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

The door suddenly opens!

J.J.

And in comes CUDDLES!

CUDDLES

CUDDLES! That's Me! Here I am!

(CUDDLES enters.)

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

CUDDLES? Who is CUDDLES?

J.J.

CUDDLES is MAC's ex-fiancé.

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

CUDDLES is MAC's ex-fiancé.

J.J.

CUDDLES is MAC's ex-fiancé, who dumped him last year.

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

CUDDLES is MAC's ex-fiancé, who dumped him last year!

J.J.

And CUDDLES says,

CANDY, MAC, and ARTHUR

CUDDLES says!

CUDDLES

BOBBY! BOBBY BOBBY!!

ARTHUR

(Optionally spoken) Not 'Bobby'. His name is MAC.

CUDDLES

Oh. MACKIE, MACKIE, MACKIE!


17. Honey Pie - CUDDLES


(Optionally spoken.)
Honey pie! Sweetie pie! 
Look!  It's me! Your CUDDLES!  I'm back!
I've come back!
I'm going to be a good girl!
I'm going to be your girl!
Just and only your girl!

(Sung.)
I'll always wear stockings and garters.
I'll always wear high heel shoes.
I'll never wear panties at home after dark,
and I'll tattoo your name right along with my other tattoos.

I'll kiss you while you're watching football.
Your wish will be my command.
I'll listen while you and your buddies tell jokes,
and I'll try to pretend that I really don't quite understand.

(Optionally spoken.)
That guy Bob, or was it Lee,
He didn't mean a thing to me.
(Pause.)
And neither did those two great big football players.

And I guess I really, really, shouldn't have taken your car when I left.
But I needed it.  I really needed it.
And I figured you could always get another one.


(Sung)
(To audience.)
Love is when your work is 
never, ever done until you've 
got him trained to do just what he 
knows he has to do to keep his 
dear wife happy 'cause he 
knows if she's un-happy he is 
going to be unhappy too.


(Sung.)
(To MAC.)
I'll spend all your money on dresses.
Eat candy 'till I look a fright.
I'll bitch and I'll whine and I'll drink all your wine,
and I'll still make you smile when we turn out the light.
Still make you smile when we turn out the light.


17. Dialogue - "And what about ARTHUR?" - CUDDLES, CANDY, MAC, ARTHUR, and J.J.

CANDY

And what about ARTHUR, J.J.?

MAC

What about ARTHUR, J.J.?

CUDDLES

Poor ARTHUR. Poor, poor ARTHUR.

CANDY

MAC ends up with CUDDLES.

MAC

And MAC's girlfriend CANDY ends up with the famous Broadway composer.

CANDY

But what about ARTHUR?

MAC

What about ARTHUR?

CUDDLES

Poor ARTHUR! Poor, poor ARTHUR!

J.J.

ARTHUR, you say? Oh, yes. ARTHUR. What about ARTHUR.

CUDDLES, CANDY, and MAC

What about ARTHUR.

J.J.

Ah.

CUDDLES, CANDY, and MAC

He says 'Ah'.

J.J.

Listen!

CUDDLES, CANDY, and MAC

He says, 'Listen'!

J.J.

Just listen!

CUDDLES, CANDY, and MAC

He says, 'Just listen!

J.J.

Here it comes!

Loudspeaker Voice


[Spoken] Attention! Attention!  This is an announcement. 
May I have your attention, please.  
The winning LOTTO numbers for this week are,
listen closely, the winning LOTTO numbers for this week are 3, 7, 41, 52, and 9.

ARTHUR

Let me check! Let me check my numbers!

(ARTHUR takes out his ticket and reads it.)

Loudspeaker Voice

That's 3, 7, 41, 52, and 9.

ARTHUR

My numbers! My numbers! Those are my numbers! I won the LOTTO! I won! I won! I won the Lotto!

LOUDSPEAKER

The cash prize for this week is 382 dollars. That's 382 dollars.

ARTHUR

(To audience.) Me for Idaho!


14. Song - Roses Bloom on Sunday - MAC, ARTHUR, CANDY, J.J., and CUDDLES


 

(Verse 1)

Roses bloom on Sunday, daffodils at dawn. Lightning strikes at midnight, thunder later on. Eagles fly in summer, seagulls when they can. Roses bloom on Sunday, when you see them they are gone, so you

(Verse 2)

Plan your path and plot it, con your course with care. Figure all the angles, calculate and dare. Then expect surprises, tigers, tricks and traps. Leave your plans at home and say a prayer.

(Bridge)

Tell me the secret that answers all. Tra la la la la, la la. Sing me the song of the whip-poor-will's call. Tra la la la la, la la. That was easy, but

(Verse 3)

Don't expect a blizzard. Don't ignore the wind. Hope for sunny weather. Recognize a friend. Time to say good evening. Time to pack and go. Roses bloom on Sunday, now you know.

(Break)

(The J.J.-CANDY, CUDDLES-MAC, and ARTHUR dialogues overlap.)


CUDDLES

MACKIE, we need to talk.

MAC

We need to talk, CUDDLES?

CUDDLES

My sister has three kids.

MAC

Three kids?

CUDDLES

We have to catch up.

MAC

Catch up?

CUDDLES

We'll need four bedrooms.

MAC

Four bedrooms?

CANDY

One for my mother.

MAC

Your mother?

CANDY

And a big back yard for my dogs and my horses and my chickens and my Russian goats.


CANDY

J.J., where do you live.

J.J.

New York in the winter, CANDY.

CANDY

And summer?

J.J.

I have a house, on a hill, near the beach, south of Palma.

CANDY

And where is Palma?

J.J.

On Majorca.


LOUDSPEAKER VOICE

Attention! This is an announcement! Give me your attention! Two members of the cheerleading team need a ride...

ARTHUR

Cheerleaders! Cheerleaders!

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE

...to the Topless Cheerleading Championships...

ARTHUR

Topless!

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE

...in Idaho.

ARTHUR

Idaho!

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE

The cheerleader's names...

ARTHUR

Their names! Their names!

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE

...are Buster and Bruno.


(Da capo Roses Bloom on Sunday to the break.)


15. Exit Music