THANKSGIVING

A musical comedy

LIBRETTO

Words and music by Phil Shaw



Contact:

Phil Shaw: phil@philshaw.com





Copyright © 2020 by Phil Shaw - All Rights Reserved



THANKSGIVING

ACT 1

1. Prelude

SCENE 1a: Opener - MAVIS & MARTIN

(MAVIS & MARTIN, CANDY & JJ, and RODNEY without LANCE are respectively stage right, center, and left, representing three different locales.)

2. Song - "Let's hope nothing goes wrong"

(The M&M home locale.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(M&M dialogue.)

MAVIS

Well, MARTIN, Thanksgiving dinner. They'll all be here soon. Our daughter CANDY, her husband JJ, Our son RODNEY and his...

MARTIN

Plus the preacher, for RODNEY's marriage...

MAVIS

RODNEY's wedding, not marriage. The wedding is the ceremony, the marriage what comes after.

MARTIN

OK, wedding. RODNEY and...

MAVIS

Such a big evening. I hope nothing goes wrong.

MARTIN

It will all be fine.

(Verse 1)

MARTIN

We'll think about tomorrow. We'll think about today. We'll think about the times gone by. and wonder what to say.

MAVIS

We'll laugh at flubs and follies. We'll reminisce too long. We'll wonder what may lay ahead and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Chorus 1)

Hope that nothing goes wrong, No cause for regret. Hope that nothing goes wrong, No need for a net. Hope that nothing goes wrong, No cause for concern. Hope that nothing goes wrong, No bridges to burn.

SCENE 1b: Opener - CANDY & JJ


2. Song - "Let's hope nothing goes wrong" (continued)

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

CANDY? The Thanksgiving dinner? What time does it start?

CANDY

I don't know, JJ. MAVIS just said that first we'll do RODNEY's wedding then have dinner.

JJ

We'll all have a lot to be thankful for. RODNEY's wedding, and you getting out...

CANDY

Let's not bring up that stuff about me. Let's make it all about RODNEY's wedding.

(Verse 2)

CANDY

We'll gather here together. We'll greet old friends and new. We'll tell of what we've seen and done, and drink a toast or two.

JJ

We'll talk of times remembered. We'll sing that great old song. We'll think of things we couldn't say and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Chorus 2)

CANDY & JJ

Hope that nothing goes wrong, No reason to frown. Hope that nothing goes wrong, No joker, no clown. Hope that nothing goes wrong, we hope and we pray. Hope that nothing goes wrong, just get through the day.

SCENE 1c: Opener - RODNEY

2. Song - "Let's hope nothing goes wrong" (continued)

(R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(RODNEY dialogue.)

RODNEY

Well, my dear fianceé. I see you're not here. Maybe you're already over at MAVIS and MARTIN's. That doesn't help my nerves, not that I'm nervous. It's just a wedding. A wedding then a Thanksgiving dinner! And what a great time for a Thanksgiving dinner!

(Verse 3)

We'll wink and snap our fingers. We'll smile and wave a hand. We'll hop and skip and jump around. and play like it was planned. We'll take a trip to Texas. We'll bang the golden gong. We'll sail beneath the Southern Cross and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Chorus 3)

Hope that nothing goes wrong, The path will be clear. Hope that noth-ing goes wrong, No reason to fear. Hope that nothing goes wrong, Our fears will be vain. Hope that nothing goes wrong, We're in the fast lane. Let's hope... nothing thing goes goes wrong! (End song)

SCENE 2a: We did it - MAVIS and MARTIN

3. Song - "We did it!" - MAVIS & MARTIN

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(The M&M home locale.)

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Well, MAVIS! We did it!

MAVIS

We did it? MARTIN?

MARTIN

We raised two children and they're both grownup. CANDY's married...

MAVIS

Yes, but she...

MARTIN

No 'yes, buts'! CANDY's grown up and married, and RODNEY's grown up and he's getting married this evening.

MAVIS

But I know...the marriage...you don't really approve!

MARTIN

Don't approve? I congratulated them! I proposed a toast at their engagement party! And I paid for the honeymoon cruise!

MAVIS

Yes, but...

MARTIN

No "yes, buts"! We did it!

(Verse 1)

When we started out we didn't have a clue how very long the trip would last. When we reached the end of every day we didn't know what milestone we had passed. But we we did it, we did it together, We did it, through 'what', 'where', and 'when'. We did it, not knowing the 'which', 'why', or 'whether', we did it, through thick and through thin.

(M&M dialogue.)

MAVIS

I guess I shouldn't worry how you feel about RODNEY getting married to...

MARTIN

Of course not! And you shouldn't get all worried about CANDY. CANDY and her...

MAVIS

You're right!

MARTIN

Just think about today and how we did it!

MAVIS

You're right. Still I know...I know that...

(Verse 2)

There were times I guess when I was quite a pest for doing things like this or that. And I might have been a bother when I'd find a way to counter tit-for-tat. But we did it, we did it together, We did it, we took the long ride. We did it, united, like birds of a feather, We did it, we stood side by side.

(M&M dialogue.)

MAVIS

Well, at least CANDY's finally out of jail.

MARTIN

She got released just in time for RODNEY's wedding.

SCENE 2b: Rainbow Dreams - CANDY & JJ

4. Song - "Rainbow Dreams"

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

Oh, CANDY, it's so good to have you here, back home and out of prison. Three years...I know it was bad.

CANDY

At first it was bad. I figured I couldn't be happy again until I got out. But then I thought about how all of us...we...

(Verse 1)

CANDY

We look for rainbows out there in the distance, we know they'll glow and gleam and look so grand. But rainbows sometimes start where we can touch them, right here, beneath our feet, right where we stand.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

Oh, yes, CANDY. I figured you and I would be on hold the whole three years. But then I thought about how all of us...we...

(Verse 2)

JJ

We seek our dearest dreams beyond tomorrow, in distant days, in some unheard of land. But dreams can come along where we can catch them, right here, beneath our feet, right where we stand.

(C&J dialogue.)

CANDY

And what opened my eyes,

JJ

The splendid surprise!

CANDY

Was our first...

JJ

Our very first...

CANDY & JJ

Conjugal visit!

(Chorus)

Someday, may turn out to be right now. Sometime, may be sooner than it seems. Somewhere, may be turn out to be right here, right where we are. And somehow we have found our rainbow dreams.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

Conjugal visits!

CANDY

The cinder-block room.

JJ

The single light bulb dangling from the ceiling!

CANDY

The guard peeking through his little window.

JJ

The grey prison sheets!

CANDY

The grey prison overalls!

JJ

And grey prison panties!

CANDY

Dreams can come true anywhere!

JJ

And anywhere can be right here, right where we stand!

(Verse 3)

We think our highest hopes are simply hopeless, just patterns in the ever-drifting sand. But hopeless hopes can happen if we're heedful, right here, beneath our feet, right where we stand.

(C&J dialogue.)

CANDY

Oh, JJ!

JJ

Oh, CANDY!

(tag Verse)

We may not see our promised land around us. Today may not seem quite what we had planned. But we've already won our highest hopes and rainbow dreams, right here, beneath our feet, right where we stand. (End song)

(C&J dialogue.)

CANDY

I begged them to let me take home some prison panties!

JJ

A tailor! We'll get custom made prison panties!

CANDY

And some for RODNEY too!

SCENE 2c: When I stand with you - RODNEY & LANCE

5. Song - "When I stand with you" - RODNEY & LANCE

(The R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

Sorry I'm late, RODNEY.

RODNEY

That's OK, LANCE. I knew you wouldn't miss our wedding, or the Thanksgiving dinner.

LANCE

This will be quite a special evening. Thanksgiving Dinner, our wedding dinner...

RODNEY

And CANDY's get-out-of-jail dinner.

LANCE

CANDY sure took her jail time in stride.

RODNEY

She sure did. So I wonder about us, LANCE.

LANCE

Us?

RODNEY

Some folks say that being married is a lot like being in prison. Locked up with another person, for life.

LANCE

Are you ready, RODNEY? To be locked up with me? For life?

(Verse 1)

RODNEY

A month can sometimes seem to last a year. A year can sometimes just go on and on. But when I stand with you time disappears like morning dew, and in your smile I see a wonderful new dawn.

(R&L dialogue.)

(Dialogue.)

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY, I'd be happy in jail, if you were in there with me!

RODNEY

If we were prisoners together a twenty year sentence would be too short!

(Verse 2)

LANCE

A month can sometimes pass in just a flash. A year can seem to end in just a day. But when I stand with you time goes away and life is new, and I am ready come what might and come what may.

(Counterpoint line.)

We count the days. We number all of them. Summer passes, and winter is never far behind. I see the sand. I see the hour glass. Hold on and hope and pray for the days that lie ahead.

(R&L dialogue.)

RODNEY

Oh, LANCE. When I think of you I think about forever.

LANCE

Rodney, the sands of time become a rock.

(Chorus)

We'll always be together, we'll always be a team. We'll live a life united, Our life will be a dream We'll never be unhappy, we'll never disagree. We'll open all the gates of joy, our love will be the key.

(Verse 2)

The clocks will tick, they may be fast or slow. Our lives will pass, they may be short or long. But when I stand with you time simply vanishes from view, and all the world is joining in to sing our song.

(Tag)

A prison with you is a palace for two. And our dreams will come true when we hold hands and say "I do". (End song)

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

I hope MAVIS doesn't go to too much trouble over dinner.

RODNEY

MAVIS enjoys going to too much trouble, LANCE.

SCENE 3a. Pennies - MAVIS & MARTIN

6. Song: "Pennies"

(The M&M home locale, grocery bags on a table.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Well, this will be CANDY's first dinner since she got out of jail.

MAVIS

She wasn't in jail. She was in a detention center.

MARTIN

OK, a detention center. But she was detained three years.

MAVIS

She only got three years because of her list.

MARTIN

Her list?

MAVIS

The list of clients, for her call-girl ring. The D.A. wanted to see it but CANDY said no. She erased it.

MARTIN

Well that's over and done. And tonight will be her first dinner since she got out.

MAVIS

So it's got to be good. Oh yes, I've got to remember to give her this little computer thing.

MARTIN

Little computer thing?

MAVIS

Some storage thing. She asked me to keep when she went to jail. The groceries. Did you get everything on the list?

MARTIN

I checked them all off. There's the bags.

MAVIS

Let's see.

(Verse 1)

(MAVIS) You got all these groceries and didn't use coupons. (MARTIN) It looked a lot like rain this morning. (MAVIS) And this pre-roasted turkey that I could have cooked. (MARTIN) Some clouds in the north and the wind from the west. (MAVIS) The brand-names cost more, the generics are cheaper. (MARTIN) But there's just no predicting the weather. (MAVIS) I mourn for the bargains that you overlooked. (MARTIN) You take what you get and you hope for the best.

(Verse 2)

(MAVIS) I get the impression that you are not listening. (MARTIN) The traffic was bad on the freeway this morning. (MAVIS) You're running our finances into the ground. (MARTIN) Construction had taken up all but one lane. (MAVIS) Whatever I say bounces round like an echo. (MARTIN) But I wasn't in much of a hurry at all. (MAVIS) I'm trying to keep us financially sound. (MARTIN) And traffic is traffic, so why complain.

(Chorus)

(MAVIS) La-di-da. (MARTIN) La-di-day. (MAVIS) Come what might. (MARTIN) Come what may.

(Verse 3)

(MAVIS) We've got to save pennies and keep to a budget. (MARTIN) A guy at my office won five hundred thousand. (MAVIS) We need to be saving much more than we spend. (MARTIN) A Powerball ticket he almost threw out. (MAVIS) A nest egg should not be an egg salad sandwich. (MARTIN) Maybe I'll try the Lotto, just give it a chance. (MAVIS) Prudence and thrift will pay off in the end. (MARTIN) Like they say, you can't win if you don't even play. By the way, those flowers look fine. (MAVIS) They do look fine. (MAVIS & MARTIN) Just fine.

(M&M dialogue.)

MAVIS

At least RODNEY is marrying someone...well, someone his own age, unlike...

MARTIN

Unlike CANDY?

MAVIS

JJ is so much...

MARTIN

So JJ's a little bit older than...

MAVIS

A little bit? He could be your younger brother! Or your older brother!

MARTIN

I don't have any brother, older or younger!

SCENE 3b: Rest and Relax - CANDY & JJ

7. Song - "Rest and Relax" - CANDY & JJ

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

CANDY

Well, JJ, do you think MAVIS will be able to get through RODNEY's wedding without somehow...

JJ

Of course not! She'll find lots of ways to mention that I'm a bit

CANDY

I keep telling her that with you being older than me...well, I

JJ

You know you won't find me chasing after some younger woman.

CANDY

I'm your younger woman.

(Verse 1)


CANDY

Disasters sometimes happen, fires and floods and tidal waves. But for you to chase after some hot little cutie who's younger than me? Younger than me? Who could be younger than me? That can't ever happen, it never will be. So I can just rest and relax.

(Verse 2)

Calamities are coming, Earthquakes, cyclones, hurricanes. But for me to run off with some bubble-butt beauty who's younger than you? Younger than you? Who could be younger than you? That's out of the question, it couldn't come true. So you can just rest and relax.

(Chorus)

Rest and relax! No need to worry! No need to fret! Rest and relax! No need to doubt! It's a safe bet! Rest and relax! All will be right! Just take my word. Rest and relax! Everything bright! Believe what you heard.

(Verse 3)

Catastrophes are likely, plagues and pox and pestilence. But for you/me to get stuck on some Daisy Duke darling who's younger than me/you? Younger than me/you? Who could be younger than me/you? That's not even possible, not in your life! So I/you can just rest and relax. (End song)

(C&J dialogue.)

CANDY

Anyway, RODNEY's wedding will balance things between MAVIS and MARTIN.

JJ

Balance things?

CANDY

MAVIS and MARTIN have two children, RODNEY and me. MAVIS doesn't like my marriage because you're older than I am, and MARTIN doesn't like RODNEY's marriage because, well, you know...

SCENE 3c: It's nice to be polilte - RODNEY & LANCE

8. Song - "It's nice to be polite"

(The R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY! In a few hours we'll be married!

RODNEY

Oh, LANCE, I still wonder...

LANCE

I know. You wonder if MARTIN approves, really approves, of our marriage.

RODNEY

I really don't think he...

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY, he congratulated us! He proposed a toast at our engagement party! He paid for our honeymoon cruise!

LANCE

Our honeymoon cruise to the Ga-la-PAY-gos Islands!

LANCE

It's Ga-LA-pa-gos, not Ga-la-PAY-gos.

RODNEY

OK, Ga-LA-pa-gos.

LANCE

The Galapagos shows that he really approves of us.

RODNEY

I don't want him to quote 'approve' unquote. I want him to kid us! Poke fun at us! Then I'd feel normal.

LANCE

RODNEY, dear, if you want MARTIN to kid us, then you should take the first step. You kid him first. Just walk right up to him, look him in the eye, and say

(Verse 1)


LANCE

MARTIN, I bet you were worried! I bet you were worried that I might turn out to be one of those guys who likes girls! I bet you were worried that I might go out and decide I would marry... a girl! I bet you were worried that you'd have to tell all your friends that your son had... a wife! You'd have to tell all your friends that your son had A wife, instead of a husband! A girl, instead of a guy! You'd try to hide all your horror! But why try to hide what you can't deny. I bet you were worried your buddies would kid you for having a son who... likes girls! I bet you were pleased! I bet you were proud! I bet you were smiling! Your head in a cloud! When I finaly gave you the news I had made up my mind I would marry a hunk of a man... named LANCE!

(Chorus)

It's nice to be polite, At least that's what they say. But it's also nice to joke and kid around. and polite can get in the way. It's nice to be correct, and never csuse dismay. But it's also nice to just be who you are, and correct can get in the way.

(tag Verse)

MARTIN! I bet you were worried I'd live life a loner. I bet you were glad when I told you I planned to get married to someone... someone I love... I love very much. (End song)

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY! MARTIN's got a daughter, CANDY, and a son, that's you, and a son-in-law, JJ.

RODNEY

And now, he'll have a second son-in-law. I see why he would hiccup.

SCENE 4a: The Daughters of Nevada - MAVIS & MARTIN

9. Song - "The Daughters of Nevada"

(The M&M home locale.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Well, MAVIS, CANDY's out of the jail and she's got a good job.

MAVIS

A job at Walmart! Working at Walmart! Working at a Walmart store!

MARTIN

Not a store. A Supercenter! A Walmart Supercenter!

MAVIS

Store, Supercenter, it's still Walmart! But she was lucky getting that. She was in jail for running a call-girl ring!

MARTIN

You know the story. CANDY was ...

MAVIS

She was Corporate Vice President...

MARTIN

Corporate Vice President for Guest elations at the Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino.

MAVIS

And she set up the call-girl ring.

MARTIN

So there'd be a well-run outfit for guests who wanted that sort of thing.

MAVIS

Oh, I know, I know. But I always hoped CANDY would join me...join me in the...

MARTIN

Join you in the Donnies?! Join you in the Donnies!

MAVIS

Don't! Don't say "Donnies"! It's the Daughters of Nevada! The Daughters of Nevada! A distinguished charity group!

MARTIN

A bunch of hoity toity socialites.

MAVIS

I always thought CANDY would someday be a Donny!

MARTIN

So the two of you could sing the Donnies Song!

MAVIS

The Donnies Song!

("Daughters of Nevada" Verse 1)

The Daughters of Nevada. The women of the land. The ladies who have built our state, and made our state so grand! The Daughters of Nevada!

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Oh, MARTIN! Don't poke fun at that song! It's our anthem!

MARTIN

Now the Donnies won't let CANDY in? Because she ran a call-girl ring?

MAVIS

Call-girl ring? The Donnies don't care about that! This is Nevada!

MARTIN

They won't let her in because she did jail time?

MAVIS

Three years in jail? The Donnies won't care about that! This is Las Vegas! But when they find out...when they find out...

MARTIN

When they find out that CANDY works at Walmart!

MAVIS

Walmart! My daughter! Working at Walmart!

MARTIN

So the Donnies won't let her in?

MAVIS

I've already made her the formal Donny outfit!

MARTIN

The long dress? The home-made shoes? The starched white bonnet?

MAVIS

The long dress! The home-made shoes! The starched white bonnet!

SCENE 4b: The Daughters of Nevada - CANDY & JJ

9. Song - "The Daughters of Nevada" (continued)

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

OK, CANDY, tell me now.

CANDY

Tell you now, JJ? Tell you what?

JJ

Are you going to join the Donnies?

CANDY

The Donnies?

JJ

I've had nightmares about it! My wife in the Donnies! Guys would never stop kidding me.

CANDY

Well, I'm an ex-jailbird. They'll never let me in. So you can just rest and relax.

JJ

The long dress! The home-made shoes! The starched white bonnet!

("Daughters of Nevada" Verse 2)

The Daughters of Nevada They gave us what we've got. They taught us how to work things out, and we say that's a lot. The Daughters of Nevada!

SCENE 4c: RODNEY & LANCE

9. Song - "The Daughters of Nevada" (continued)

(The R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

RODNEY? I bet JJ's sort of glad that CANDY did some jail-time.

RODNEY

Glad, LANCE? Why would he be glad?

LANCE

Then CANDY will never get into the Donnies!

RODNEY

So JJ won't have all the guys...

LANCE

poking fun at him

RODNEY

for having a wife in the Donnies!

LANCE

The long dress! The home-made shoes! The starched white bonnet!

RODNEY

And you'll be safe too, LANCE! I'm a man, so I'll never be a Daughter of Nevada!

(Chorus A.)

We live out there on the desert with cactus and coyotes too. Whatever problems may come our way, we're ready and we know just what to do.

(Verse 3)

The Daughters of Nevada We strive to serve our state. We do our duty night and day, and that's what makes Nevada great.

(Chorus B.)

We bake our bread and we eat it. We raise our pigs for food. And when it is finally Saturday night, we'll raise us a ruckus if we're in the mood.

(tag Verse)

We are the Daughters of Nevada! We stand straight, and we stand tall! We are the Daughters of Nevada! And we heed Nevada's call. The Daughters of Nevada. If you're not a Daughter of Nevada, then you're not a Daughter of Nevada! N-E-V-A-D-A Nevada! N-E-V-A-D-A Nevada! Daughters of Nevada!

THANKSGIVING

ACT 2

SCENE 5a: What is a rutabaga - MAVIS & MARTIN

10. Song - "What is a rutabaga"

(The M&M home locale.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Are we all set, MAVIS? For the Thanksgiving dinner?

MAVIS

We're not gonna do a dinner, MARTIN. We're gonna to do a buffet.

MARTIN

Dinner, buffet, it's all the same.

MAVIS

No it's not. It's gonna be a buffet, and it will be perfect. Turkey, dressing, dessert,... Dessert! Dessert! I forgot the dessert!

MARTIN

We don't really need a dessert.

MAVIS

We're gonna have a dessert. A pie! I'll get one from the grocery.

MARTIN

Why not call a bakery. They'll deliver. I think I've got a number.

(MARTIN checks his phone.)

I'll call them. And since it's Thanksgiving, so see if they've got a cranberry pie.

MAVIS

Cranberries! I forgot the cranberry sauce!

MARTIN

It's ringing. You take the phone and tell them what you want.

(MARTIN hands his phone to MAVIS.)

Hello? Yes, I'd like to order a pie. (Pause.) Anything. I just need it this afternoon. (Pause.) Rutabaga? What's a rutabaga? (Pause.) Your specialty? OK, rutabaga pie. This afternoon! Bye.

MARTIN

So we'll have a pie?

(MAVIS hands the phone back to MARTIN.)

A rutabaga pie.

("Rutabagas" Verse 1)

What is a rutabaga? How does it look? Do you peel it or chop it? Does it take long to cook? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" Verse 2)

What is a rutabaga? How is it made? Does it need lots of sunshine? Does it grow in the shade? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" - Chorus A)

Rutabagas ought to get respect and admiration. They're easy to prepare, and you can even get them canned. They're elegant and dainty, they're an excellent gustation. But no one seems to like them, and I just don't understand. I just don't understand.

(M&M dialogue: "Aunt Lana from Atlanta")

MARTIN

Rutabaga pie! Isn't that what LANCE always makes? Rutabaga pie? From a recipe he got from his aunt Lana?

MAVIS

His aunt Lana?

MARTIN

His aunt Lana from Atlanta.

MAVIS

Cranberry sauce! I've got to remember the cranberry sauce.

MARTIN

Don't worry. I'll stop off and get some.

MAVIS

I hope that damn pie gets delivered on time!

SCENE 5b: What is a rutabaga - CANDY & JJ

10. Song - "What is a rutabaga" (continued)

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

Well, CANDY, this Thanksgiving dinner? One thing we know: We won't be having rutabaga pie!

CANDY

Rutabaga pie?

JJ

You remember. That time we had dinner at LANCE's place?

CANDY

And he made that godawful pie? Rutabaga pie!

JJ

From a recipe he got from his aunt Lana!

CANDY

His aunt Lana from Atlanta!

JJ

That horrible rutabaga pie!

("Rutabagas" Verse 3)

What is a rutabaga? Why is it scorned? If it suffers extinction, will it ever be mourned? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" Verse 4)

What is a rutabaga? Why is it jeered? Is it really that frightening? Has it always been feared? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" Chorus B)

Rutabagas ought to be a part of any diet. They're tasty as a salad, and they're perfect in a pie. They're filled with all the vitamins, you really can't deny it. But folks don't seem to like them, and I simply don't know why. I simply don't know why.

SCENE 5c: RODNEY & LANCE

10. Song - "What is a rutabaga" (continued)

(The R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY! My rutabagas are gonna to go to waste!

RODNEY

Your rutabagas?

LANCE

I bought them just for this dinner! I was going to make my famous rutabaga pie!

RODNEY

The recipe, from your aunt Lana?

LANCE

My aunt Lana, from Atlanta, and her rutabaga pie!

("Rutabagas" Verse 5)

What is a rutabaga? Why is it dissed? If it's not on the menu Will it ever be missed? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" Verse 6)

What is a rutabaga? Where is it found? Does it hang like an apple? Does it grow in the ground? What is a rutabaga?

("Rutabagas" Chorus C)

Rutabagas should be served in every school and college. It's best to learn to like them while your taste can still trained. Education's more than books, it's every kind of knowledge. But kids won't seem to eat them, something no one has explained.

SCENE 6a: Tomorrow - MAVIS & MARTIN

11. Song - "Tomorrow"

(The M&M home locale.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS and MARTIN at home.

(M&M dialogue.)

MARTIN

Ah, MAVIS. Tomorrow!

MAVIS

Tomorrow?

MARTIN

Tomorrow we graduate! The end of our couples therapy!

MAVIS

It wasn't couples therapy. It was counseling! Couples counseling!

MARTIN

Counseling! Therapy! Whatever! It's over! The other couples voted we were ready to graduate!

MAVIS

And tomorrow night's our Graduation Party.

("Tomorrow" Verse 1)

Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day. We're gonna dance, we're gonna sing, we're gonna ring-a-ding-ding. Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day.

(M&M dialogue.)

MAVIS

You said you would pick up the cranberry sauce, MARTIN?

MARTIN

I'm off to get it now, MAVIS.

SCENE 6b: CANDY & JJ

11. Song - "Tomorrow" (continued)

(The C&J locale.)

NARRATOR

CANDY and JJ at their place.

(C&J dialogue.)

JJ

Remember, CANDY, we sign the papers tomorrow.

CANDY

I'll be there, JJ. We'll own our own zoo! Our own habitat!

JJ

A habitat for retired performing animals!!

CANDY

And we sign the papers tomorrow!

("Tomorrow" Verse 2)

Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day. We're gonna smile, we're gonna laugh, we're gonna be riff-raff. Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day.

SCENE 6c: RODNEY & LANCE

11. Song - "Tomorrow" (continued)

(The R&L locale.)

NARRATOR

RODNEY and LANCE someplace else.

(R&L dialogue.)

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY! Tomorrow! Tomorrow's gonna be a grrand new day!

RODNEY

Today, LANCE! We're getting married today!

LANCE

But tomorrow, RODNEY! Tomorrow's our honeymoon cruise!

RODNEY

Oh yes, the Galapagos Islands.

LANCE

Thank you for saying Ga-LA-pa-gos instead of Ga-la-PAY-gos.

RODNEY

LANCE, dear, if you say Ga-LA-pa-gos, I say Ga-LA-pa-gos.

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY!

("Tomorrow" Chorus)

Skies will be full of singing bluebirds. Nights will be filled with falling stars. Hillsides will bloom with golden daffodils. Planets will beckon us to Jupiter and Mars.

("Tomorrow" Verse 3)

Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day. We're gonna leap, we're gonna jump, we're gonna go bump bump. Tomorrow's gonna be a grand new day. (End song)

(Dialogue.)

MARTIN

The Graduation Party, MAVIS!

MAVIS

The Graduation Party! MARTIN!

JJ

The zoo, CANDY!

CANDY

The habitat, JJ!

RODNEY

Ga-LA-pa-gos, LANCE!

LANCE

Ga-LA-pa-gos, RODNEY!

SCENE 7: The Plaintiffs - MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY

12. Song - "This can't be happening to me" - MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY

(Continue in The M&M home locale.)

NARRATOR

MAVIS at home, alone.

(A knock at the door.)

MAVIS

The door. Come in!

(CANDY enters.)

CANDY

Hi MAVIS.

MAVIS

Hi CANDY. You're early.

CANDY

I figured I could help.

MAVIS

MARTIN's out, getting some cranberry sauce.

CANDY

JJ will be here soon.

MAVIS

And RODNEY and LANCE are sure to show up at the very last minute. And, before I forget it, here's that little computer thing you asked me to keep for you.

CANDY

Oh yes, a storage thing. My backup for files while I was in jail.

MAVIS

Back-up for files?

CANDY

From my..well...from my call-girl ring. Files for taxes, insurance, that sort of stuff. Oh! Oh! Oh my! These files will also have my list!

MAVIS

Your list?

CANDY

My client list!

MAVIS

Your client list? I thought you erased it!

CANDY

I know, I swore I erased all the files. I guess I forgot this copy.

MAVIS

It has all the names?

CANDY

It has all the names. Can I use your computer to read it?

MAVIS

It's right over there.

CANDY

Dum-de-dum dum dum dum. Dum de dum dum. Here it is. All the names.

MAVIS

All the names?

CANDY

All the ex-clients.

MAVIS

Let me read them, CANDY.

CANDY

Here. Any famous ones, Mother?

MAVIS

A State Senator. A movie star. And... Uh oh!

CANDY

Uh oh?

MAVIS

Oh, nothing.

CANDY

Oh nothing?! What do you mean, 'Oh nothing'?

MAVIS

Oh, nothing.

CANDY

Nothing?

MAVIS

I'm sure it was just a mistake.

CANDY

Mistake? Let me see. That's JJ! JJ is on the list! Who did he get! Which girl did he get?

MAVIS

Which girl did he get?

CANDY

TRIXIE!

MAVIS

TRIXIE?

CANDY

TRIXIE!

MAVIS

TRIXIE! TRIXIE... is younger... than me!

MAVIS

TRIXIE is younger than you?

CANDY

Trixie is younger than me! TRIXIE is younger than a Barbie Doll!

("This can't be happening to me" Verse 1)

This can't be happ'ning to me! Not to me! I must have misunderstood. I must have made a mistake. I must have been wrong, misinformed all along. This can't be happ'ning to me!

CANDY

Well, I guess I got a little intense about JJ.

MAVIS

That's perfectly understandable. And now, CANDY, dear, I know this is silly, but I've got to ask. Would you check...to see...

CANDY

Oh, don't worry mother. MARTIN would never be on the list! Here, just look! Uh oh.

MAVIS

Uh oh?

CANDY

Oh, nothing.

MAVIS

Oh nothing?! What do you mean, 'Oh nothing'?

CANDY

Oh, nothing.

MAVIS

Nothing?

CANDY

I'm sure it was just a mistake.

MAVIS

Mistake? Let me see. That's MARTIN! MARTIN is on the list! Who did he get? TRIXIE! TRIXIE!

CANDY

MARTIN got TRIXIE too? Let me see. MARTIN got TRIXIE too!

MAVIS

How much did he pay. Let me see. Oh my God! For that much he could have gotten a pre-owned Lexus!

("This can't be happening to me" Verse 2)

This can't be happ'ning to me! Not to me! I don't deserve this at all. I don't know what I did wrong. I'm beaten and bruised and I'm feeling confused. This can't be happ'ning to me!

MAVIS

Well, CANDY, MARTIN...

CANDY

...and JJ.

MAVIS

It couldn't be worse.

(A knock at the door.)

MAVIS

That's the door. Come in!

(RODNEY enters.)

RODNEY

Hi mother, hi CANDY.

MAVIS and CANDY

Hi RODNEY.

(MAVIS and CANDY stare at RODNEY silently.)

RODNEY

What's up? You two look like...

MAVIS

Oh, RODNEY, we...

CANDY

We just had a shock.

MAVIS

We just had a terrible shock.

RODNEY

A shock?

MAVIS

We just found CANDY's old client list.

RODNEY

The list of the customers? The list you swore you erased?

CANDY

We found a copy.

RODNEY

So? Just erase it.

MAVIS

We looked through it. We read it.

RODNEY

Politicians? Movie stars?

CANDY

We found JJ!

RODNEY

JJ?

CANDY

JJ! With a woman who's younger than me! Younger than a Barbie Doll!

MAVIS

And MARTIN. We found MARTIN on the list. And for what he paid he could have gotten... he could have gotten a pre-owned Lexus!

RODNEY

Well, I'm sorry for both of your problems, but at least Lance... He couldn't be on the list!

MAVIS

He certainly couldn't.

CANDY

I just had girls on my list.

MAVIS

So we know LANCE couldn't be on it!

CANDY

Not a chance. See? The list is alphabetic order and... Uh oh!

RODNEY

Uh oh?

CANDY

Oh, nothing.

RODNEY

Oh, nothing? Whst do you mean, 'Oh nothing'?

CANDY

Oh, nothing.

RODNEY

Nothing?

CANDY

I'm sure it was just a mistake!

RODNEY

Mistake? Let me see! That's LANCE! He's on the list! And who did he get?! Who's this? Who's TRIXIE?

CANDY

TRIXIE??!!

MAVIS

TRIXIE??!!

CANDY and MAVIS

LANCE got TRIXIE too!

RODNEY

Is TRIXIE a man?

CANDY

TRIXIE's a woman. TRIXIE's the woman who's younger than a Barbie Doll.

MAVIS

TRIXIE's the woman who's more expensive than a pre-owned LEXUS.

RODNEY

LANCE went out with a woman? LANCE went out with a girl? This can't be happening to me!

("This can't be happening to me" Verse 3)

This can't be happ'ning to me! Not to me! I've got to think this thing out. I've got to calm myself down. I've got to adjust, simply do what I must. This can't be happ'ning to me!

("This can't be happening to me" - Chorus - MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY)

Ev'ry day can bring disaster. Ev'ry step can bring a fall. Ev'ry time you go and trust someone you really, really want to trust, you find the lousy creep will make you crawl. Younger than a Barbie Doll! More expensive than a pre-owned Lexus! A girl! This can't be happ'ning to me! (End song)


13. Song - "We'll see about that!" - MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY

MAVIS

Well what can we do?

CANDY

What could we do?

RODNEY

What should we do?

(MAVIS's phone rings.)

MAVIS

That's my phone. It's probably MARTIN.

(MAVIS answers her phone.)

Hello?

(MAVIS listens.)

Hello, MARTIN. That Graduation Party? It's off. I'm cancelling it.

(MAVIS listens.)

We've got things to work out. Goodbye.

(MAVIS puts her phone away.)

A Graduation Party with MARTIN. We'll see about that!

("We'll see about that" Verse 1)

So he's looking ahead like there's nothing to look at behind? So he's got something planned out for us? So he thinks I'll just simper and smile and I won't make a fuss? We'll see about that.

CANDY

(CANDY dials and pauses.))

Hello, JJ? The habitat. It's off. I'm not going to sign.

(CANDY listens.)

We've got things to discuss. Goodbye.

(CANDY puts her phone away.)

An animal habitat with JJ. we'll see about that.

("We'll see about that" Verse 2)

So he thinks we'll go on like there's no need to worry or fret? So he thinks we'll just get over this? So he thinks we'll just kiss and continue our marital bliss? We'll see about that.

RODNEY

Graduation party? MAVIS? Habitat? CANDY? Where's my phone.

(RODNEY takes out his phone.)

Hello, Reverend? This is RODNEY. The wedding is off.

(RODNEY listens.)

Yes, you can go on your fishing trip.

(RODNEY listens.)

Thanks. Goodbye. Now for LANCE.

(RODNEY dials another number.)

LANCE? The godawful wedding? It's off. I cancelled the preacher.

(RODNEY listens.)

The Ga-la-PAY-gos? That's off too.

(RODNEY listens.)

We've got things to sort out. Goodbye.

(RODNEY hangs up his phone.)

The Galapagos Islands with LANCE. We'll see about that.

("We'll see about that" Verse 3)

So he thinks nothing changed and it's all just the way that it was? So he thinks it's all normal and fine? So he thinks I won't think he's an odious, excreble swine? We'll see about that.

("We'll see about that" Chorus)

We'll see about that! Actions have consequences. Deeds lead to their results. He probably thinks the past is long dead and gone. He'll probably give me some goddamned baloney about how we both should behave like mature adults. We'll see about that! (End song)

MAVIS

We'll still have the Thanksgiving dinner. I won't let all that work go to waste. Damn! MARTIN is getting back soon.

CANDY

JJ will be stopping by.

RODNEY

LANCE will be coming here too.

MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY

And I don't even want to be in the same room.

MAVIS

I know! I'll go get some cranberry sauce! I can't count on MARTIN to get the right kind!

CANDY

I'll go with you!

RODNEY

Me too!

(MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY exit.)

SCENE 8: The Defendants - MARTIN, JJ, and LANCE

14. Song - "What's going on?" - MARTIN, JJ, and LANCE

NARRATOR

MARTIN at home, alone.

(MARTIN enters.)

MARTIN

MAVIS?! MAVIS?! Damn. She isn't home yet.

(A knock at the door.)

MARTIN

Come in!

(LANCE enters.)

MARTIN

Hi, LANCE.

LANCE

Hi, MARTIN. Is RODNEY here?

MARTIN

I don't think so.

(A knock at the door.)

MARTIN

Come in!

(JJ enters.)

Hi, MARTIN, hi LANCE.

MARTIN

Hi JJ.

LANCE

Hi JJ.

JJ

Is CANDY here?

MARTIN

I don't think so.

JJ

Well I've got a problem. CANDY isn't answering her phone.

LANCE

And RODNEY isn't picking up.

MARTIN

MAVIS isn't answering her phone either. She just called me and called off our Graduation Party!

MARTIN

What's going on?

LANCE

What's going on?

JJ

What's going on?

("What's going on?" Verse 1)

The bottom (dum dum) falls out. Nothing (dum dum) will work. Your plans (dum dum) all fall through. The world (dum dum) goes berserk. What's going on?

JJ

And CANDY. The animal habitat. She just called me and cancelled our plans,e then hung up.

JJ

What's going on?

LANCE

What's going on?

MARTIN

What's going on?

("What's going on" Verse 2)

Thunderbolts (dum dum) strike down. Bombshells (dum dum) go boom. Surprises (dum dum) arise. The signs (dum dum) all say doom. What's going on.

LANCE

And LANCE! He just phoned me and told me our wedding is off. The wedding and our trip to the Ga-la-PAY-gos...I mean Ga-LA-pa-gos Islands! That's off too!

LANCE

What's going on?

JJ

What's going on?

MARTIN

What's going on?

("What's going on?" Verse 3)

Agreements (dum dum) revoked. Understandings (dum dum) reversed. Arrangements (dum dum) annuled. Commitments (dum dum) are cursed. What's going on.

MARTIN

The Graduation Party is off!

JJ

The animal habitat is off!

LANCE

The wedding and the Galapagos trip is off too!

MARTIN

What's going on?

JJ

What's going on?

LANCE

What's going on?

MARTIN, JJ, and LANCE


("What's going on?" - Chorus - MARTIN, JJ, and LANCE. )

Never - think your prayers have a chance of being answered. Never - think your plans will come to pass. Never - hope that what you hope for may still someday happen. Never - wish for wishes that will just end up all scattered on the floor like broken glass. (End song)

SCENE 9: The Confrontation - All but TRIXIE

15. Song - "I didn't do it!" - MAVIS & MARTIN, CANDY & JJ, RODNEY & LANCE

LANCE

I just heard a car in the driveway!

MARTIN

That'll be MAVIS.

JJ

Or it could be CANDY.

LANCE

It might also be RODNEY.

(MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY enter.)

MARTIN

It's MAVIS!

MAVIS

Hi MARTIN.

JJ

And CANDY!

CANDY

Hi JJ.

LANCE

And RODNEY.

RODNEY

Hi LANCE.

MARTIN

MAVIS? The Graduatioin Party! What's up? Why is it off?

MAVIS

Graduation Party? Graduation from couples therapy? Just when I find out you're past hope of help? A pre-owned Lexus!

MARTIN

Pre-owned Lexus?

("I didn't do it" Verse 1)

What did I do? You know what you did! But I didn't do it! You didn't do what? Whatever you say, whatever you've got. You know that you did it! You can't keep it hid!

JJ

CANDY, we have to sign the papers for the zoo. Why is it off?

CANDY

I can't depend on you to take care of some poor old aging leopard when you...you... Younger than a Barbie Doll!

JJ

Younger than a Barbie Doll?

("What did I do" Verse 2)

What did I do? Don't ask what you know! But I didn't do it! What didn't you do? I didn't do that which is bothering you! Admit your mistake! Your guilt makes you glow!

LANCE

The wedding is off, RODNEY? How can the wedding be off?4 What's up?

RODNEY

Trust, LANCE, trust and candor.

LANCE

Trust and candor? We've got trust and candor!

RODNEY

Trust and candor? You can't even tell me which side of the street you prefer!

LANCE

Which side of the street I prefer?

("What did I do?" Verse 3)

What did I do? I don't have to tell! But I didn't do it! Do what, may I ask? Whatever is making you take me to task! Unmask your mistakes! Don't hide in your shell!

("What did I do?" Chorus)

Guilty Guilty Guilty Blameless Blameless Blameless You've got us convicted of some unknown crime or offense. We won't be afflicted with false claims of innocence! You know you have no defense. (End song)

SCENE 10: The Delivery - ALL

16. Dialogue - "Exonerations" - ALL

(BACKGROUND: "Let's hope nothing goes wrong")

(A knock on the door.)

MARTIN

Was that a knock at the door?

JJ

It eeemed like a knock at the door!

LANCE

It was a knock at the door.

MAVIS

Who could it be?

CANDY

I don't know who it could be!

RODNEY

It could be anyone!

MARTIN

Let's find out who it is!

ALL

Come in!

(TRIXIE enters, wearing a long dress, home-made shoes, and a starched white bonnet.)

TRIXIE

Ladies and gentlemen! From Trixie's Tasty Treats! Our specialty! Your rutabaga pie!

CANDY

TRIXIE!!

MAVIS

TRIXIE??

RODNEY

TRIXIE?

MAVIS, CANDY, and RODNEY

TRIXIE?

MARTIN

She's wearing the long dress!

JJ

She's wearing the home-made shoes!

LANCE

She's wearing the starched white bonnet!

MAVIS

You're TRIXIE?! CANDY's TRIXIE?!

CANDY

Yes, mother, this is TRIXIE. JJ's TRIXIE.

MAVIS

And MARTIN's TRIXIE?!

RODNEY

And LANCE's TRIXIE?!

TRIXIE

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! CANDY! Hi!

CANDY

Hi, TRIXIE.

TRIXIE

What's up?

CANDY

We found a copy of my client list,

TRIXIE

Your client list?

CANDY

And JJ was on it!

JJ

Not me! Not me!

MAVIS

And MARTIN was on it!

MARTIN

Not me! Couldn't be!

RODNEY

And LANCE was on it! My fiancé LANCE!

LANCE

That's impossible!

TRIXIE

MARTIN on your list? Of course! MARTIN! How are you!

MARTIN

Fine, TRIXIE. But...

TRIXIE

And JJ? How have you been, JJ?

JJ

Fine, TRIXIE. But...

TRIXIE

And LANCE? Indeed! Hi LANCE!

LANCE

Hi TRIXIE. But...

MAVIS

They're all on the list!

CANDY

My client list!

RODNEY

With your name!

TRIXIE

Of course they're all on on the list! With my name!

MAVIS, RODNEY, and CANDY

Aha!

(BACKGROUND: "We did it!")

MAVIS

So, about MARTIN...

TRIXIE

I put MARTIN on the list because he invested...

MAVIS

Invested! Invested! For what he paid you enough to buy a pre-owned Lexus! The list says so! A pre-owned Lexus!

TRIXIE

A pre-owned Lexus? MARTIN paid me enough for a dozen pre-owned lex-us-es. Pre-owned Lexi. Martin was my biggest investor when I started franchising Trixie's Tasty Treats! So I wanted to make sure he got on the VIP list for our Christmas Party.

MARTIN

I didn't get an invitation.

TRIXIE

I guess there was a mix-up.

MAVIS

So MARTIN never...you and MARTIN never...

TRIXIE

Of course not. I wouldn't mix business and...well, business and business.

(BACKGROUND: "Rainbow Dreams")

CANDY

And JJ? I suppose he was some kind of...business?

TRIXIE

Sort of. JJ had this backer...

JJ

My biggest backer. He invested really big in all my projects.

TRIXIE

And the backer was coming to town with his son Bobby...

JJ

For Bobby's 18th birthday party.

TRIXIE

So the backer asked JJ to get a girl for Bobby..

JJ

to...initiate him...

TRIXIE

Well, Bobby didn't need initiation. He had been initiating most of the girls in his high school class. And certain younger friends of his mother. So at dinner we were talking about his invention, a new kind of oven, and I put up the seed money for his oven company. And we decided not to mix business and ... business.

CANDY

So you and JJ...you never...

TRIXIE

JJ? The only time I saw JJ was at our Christmas party!

CANDY

Christmas party?

(BACKGROUND: "When I stand with you")

ROD

And LANCE? Was he taking a walk? On the other side of the street?

TRIXIE

Oh, yes, LANCE! He was such a dear. He introduced me to his aunt Lana!

ALL

His aunt Lana?

TRIXIE

His aunt Lana from Atlanta.

LANCE

My aunt Lana from Atlanta was visiting Las Vegas, and I wanted to take her to dinner. And, well, I had never told her I...was on the other side of the street... so I wanted to bring a date with me to dinner...

TRIXIE

So I was LANCE's beard for his dinner with his aunt Lana..

LANCE

TRIXIE played her part very well. Then we said goodnight and that was that.

TRIXIE

Not quite, LANCE. The next day I had lunch with your aunt Lana, and she gave me her recipe for rutabaga pie!

MAVIS

Oh, MARTIN! I guess I have to forgive you.

MARTIN

You guess?

CANDY

Well, JJ, I should have just told myself to...

JJ

To rest and relax!

LANCE

Oh, RODNEY! Me? Walking on the other side? When I'm standing with you?

RODNEY

Oh, LANCE!


17. Song - "When you set your sights" - TRIXIE

(Dialogue.)

CANDY

Wow, TRIXIE! So you own your own bakery!

TRIXIE

My own chain of bakeries, and the franchising. And more. Quite a lot more.

CANDY

That's amazing! How did you do it?

TRIXIE

I had a plan, and I stuck to the plan.

("When you set your sights" Verse 1)

When you set your sights on the far off heights and you start your long long quest, keep your chin up high, never reason why, and your journey will be blessed. Keep your sights upon the far off heights.

(Dialogue)

MAVIS

TRIXIE?

TRIXIE

Yes, MAVIS?

MAVIS

That long dress you're wearing...

CANDY

and the home-made shoes...

TRIXIE

And the starched white bonnet? That's my formal attire for the Daughters of Nevada!

MAVIS

You're a Daughter of Nevada?

TRIXIE

I'm the Finance Director. I'm headed to a meeting of the Governing Board, and I figured I'd drop off your pie on the way.

("When you set your sights" Verse 2)

When you take your aim at a far-flung flame and begin your long crusade, hold your flag above, plan to push and shove, and you'll never be afraid. Keep your aim upon the far-flung flame.

(Dialogue)

TRIXIE

And CANDY! Soon you'll be wearing the long dress, the home-made shoes, and the starched white bonnet! You'll be a Daughter of Nevada!

MAVIS

CANDY? A Daughter of Nevada? They'll never let her in! She'll be working at Walmart!

TRIXIE

CANDY? At Walmart? Nonsense! Didn't you get my message, CANDY?

CANDY

Your message?

TRIXIE

You must read your messages, CANDY. That's a rule that I have for executives of the T3 Group.

("When you set your sights" - Chorus - TRIXIE.)

It's the path we undertake to trek. It's the sea we set ourselves to sail. It's the star we follow on our odyssey. It's the peak we vow that we will scale.

(Dialogue)

CANDY

The T3 Group? What's the T3 Group, TRIXIE?

TRIXIE

The Trixies Tasty Treat Group. It's a group of investors I've formed. We just got control of the GP Group.

CANDY

The GP Group?

TRIXIE

The Grand Palmetto Group. That's the group that owns the Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino. The T3 Group now controls the GP Group. Trixies Tasty Treats owns the Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino.

("When you set your sights" Verse 3)

When you set your eyes on a distant prize and you start your grand campaign, keep your spirits bold, fight to win your gold, drink the victory champagne. Keep your eyes upon the distant prize. (End song)


18. Song - "The Daughters of Nevada" (reprise) - TRIXIE

(Dialogue.)

TRIXIE

So, CANDY, the T3 Group now owns and controls the Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino! And we want you to be the new President!

CANDY

Me?!

TRIXIE

You, CANDY. We picked you to be the one to take charge, shake things up, and do the job.

MAVIS

Oh, CANDY! President of the Grand Palmetto Hotel Casino! They can't keep you out of the Donnies!

TRIXIE

I already nominated her!

(Verse 1)

The Daughters of Nevada. The women of the land. The ladies who have built our state, and made our state so grand!

(Dialogue.)

LANCE

Congratulations, JJ! You'll be married to a Donny!

JJ

The long dress? The home-made shoes? The starched white bonnet?

(Verse 2)

The Daughters of Nevada They gave us what we've got. They taught us how to work things out, and we say that's a lot.

(Dialogue.)

TRIXIE

And RODNEY, you too! CANDY can nominate you to be a Donny!

LANCE

RODNEY? A Donny? How can RODNEY be a Daughter of...

TRIXIE

I got them to change the rules. Now they accept men too. RODNEY will be the first!

JJ

Congratulations, LANCE! You'll be married to a Donny!

LANCE

The long dress! The home-made shoes! The starched white bonnet!

(Chorus A)

We live out there on the desert with cactus and coyotes too. Whatever problems may come our way, we're ready and we know just what to do. We ARE the Daughters of Nevada! We stand straight, and we stand tall! We ARE the Daughters of Nevada! And we heed Nevada's call. If you're NOT a Daughter of Nevada, then you're NOT a Daughter of Nevada!

(Verse 3)

The Daughters of Nevada We strive to serve our state. We do our duty night and day, and that's what makes Nevada great.


19. Song - It's nice to be polite (reprise)

(BACKGROUND: (Chorus))

(Dialogue.)

RODNEY

Oh, LANCE. Can you forgive me? I should have trusted you! I mean, do you still want to...

LANCE

Of course, RODNEY. Just like we planned.

RODNEY

But I cancelled the preacher! He left to go fishing!

LANCE

Then we can't get married today.

TRIXIE

Someone wants to get married today?

RODNEY

LANCE and me.

LANCE

We were gonna get married, then do the big dinner.

TRIXIE

Well, if you like, I'm a Licensed Marriage Officiant...

RODNEY

Marriage Officiant?

TRIXIE

Someone who officiates at marriages.

MAVIS

Listen up everyone! CANDY and JJ! You stand over there. And MARTIN and I, we'll stand here. Then RODNEY and LANCE...

TRIXIE

Oh. RODNEY,

RODNEY

Yes, TRIXIE?

TRIXIE

in the wedding vows,

RODNEY

The wedding vows?

TRIXIE

Should I address you as 'RODNEY'? Or as 'ROD'?

RODNEY

'RODNEY' or 'ROD'?

TRIXIE

Yes, 'RODNEY' or 'ROD'?

MARTIN

Make it 'RODNEY'! Please! 'RODNEY'! Not 'Rod'!

TRIXIE

'RODNEY'? MARTIN? Why? Why 'RODNEY'? Why not 'ROD'?

MARTIN

'ROD'? 'ROD' and 'LANCE'? 'ROD' and 'LANCE'? It might as well be 'DICK' and 'PETER'?

MAVIS

'DICK' and 'PETER'?

CANDY

'DICK' and 'PETER'?

LANCE

'DICK' and 'PETER'! It's a joke! 'ROD' and 'LANCE'! 'DICK' and 'PETER'!

MAVIS

Well if it's a joke it's in very bad...

RODNEY

It really is a joke, LANCE! MARTIN's poking fun at us! Dick and Peter! He's poking fun at us!

MARTIN


(Verse)

RODNEY, I was worried. Worried. I really was worried that you might turn out to be one of those guys who... likes girls! I really was worried that you might go out and decide you would marry... a girl! I really was worried that I'd have to tell all my friends that my son had... a wife! I'd have to tell all my friends that my son had a wife, instead of a husband! A girl, instead of a guy! You'd try to hide all your horror! But why try to hide what you can't deny. I really was worried my buddies would kid me for having a son who... likes girls! I really was pleased! I really was proud! I really was smiling! my head in a cloud! when you finally gave me the news you had made up your mind you would marry a hunk of a man... named LANCE!

(Chorus)

It's nice to be polite, At least that's what they say. But it's also (sort of) nice to (relax and to) say (just exactly) what you (really) mean, and polite can get in the way. It's nice to be correct, and never csuse dismay. But it's also (really) nice to (ease back and to) just be who you (really) are, and correct can get in the way.

(Tag)

MARTIN

I guess I was worried you'd live life a loner, and I really was glad when you told me you planned to get married to someone you love...you love very much (End song)

(Dialogue)

MARTIN

Now, LANCE, you and RODNEY be sure to BONE UP on your wedding vows.

LANCE

Thanks, MARTIN. I guess you're probably worried we'll STIFF the caterers.

MARTIN

I was a little concerned that you guys might just give the preacher a HARD time.

LANCE

Well, MARTIN, when RODNEY and I have some little argument, you can be sure we'll soon get things STRAIGHT between us.

RODNEY

And for sure LANCE and I...Oh, damn! I can't think of anything!

MARTIN

Welcome to the family, LANCE.


20. Song - We're married!

(Dialogue)

RODNEY

LANCE, dear! Let's get married!

LANCE

Let's get married right now, RODNEY!

RODNEY

We're ready, TRIXIE!

LANCE

We're ready for the ceremony!

TRIXIE

Well, then. Line up, folks! Everybody take your places. Here goes! Do you, LANCE,...

LANCE

I do.

TRIXIE

And do you, RODNEY..?

RODNEY

I do. I really, really, do!

TRIXIE

Then by the authority vested in me as a Licensed Marriage Officiant of Clark County, Nevada, I now pronounce you...

(Verse 1)

We're married! We're a couple! We're a couple since we took that solemn vow! We're married! We're a couple! We are joined forever starting here and now.

(Verse 2)

You're married! You're a couple! You will face the future steady, come what may. You're married! You're a couple! You'll be joined when skies are blue or skies are gray.

(Chorus)

(RODNEY & LANCE. Marriage is truly a treasure. A trophy, a treat, a reward. Daytimes of practise and nighttimes of pleasure. You'll never be bored when you're with your adored. (CANDY & JJ.) Marriage is truly amazing. It's mighty and magic and mad. Don't wonder what's coming, there's no crystal gazing. Just wait for tomorrow and hope it's not bad. (MAVIS & MARTIN.) Marriage is truly a wonder. A wonder that's hard to believe. Marriage is filled up with lightning and thunder. You cannot conceive all the webs they can weave and the ways they can find to deceive.

(Verse 3)

We're married! We're a couple! And when troubles come, as troubles always do. We're married! We're a couple! So we'll stick together, steady, through and through. (End song)


21. Song - "Let's hope nothing goes wrong" (Reprise) - ALL

(Dialogue - TRIXIE)

Well, folks, it's time for the Finale!


(Verse 1)

We'll think about tomorrow. We'll think about today. We'll think about the times gone by. and wonder what to say. We'll laugh at flubs and follies. We'll reminisce too long. We'll wonder what may lay ahead and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Dialogue - MAVIS & MARTIN)

MAVIS

Well MARTIN! Our Graduation Party! Tomorrow night.

MARTIN

I'll wear my dinner jacket.

MAVIS

It's not a dinner jacket, it's a tuxedo.

MARTIN

OK, tuxedo.

(Verse 2)

We'll gather here together. We'll greet old friends and new. We'll tell of what we've seen and done, and drink a toast or two. We'll talk of times remembered. We'll sing that great old song. We'll think of things we couldn't say and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Dialogue - CANDY & JJ)

CANDY

Well, JJ, we'll sign for the habitat tomorrow.

JJ

Our very own zoo!

CANDY

And maybe, somewhere on the grounds, we can find a place to build, well, ...

JJ

A replica jail cell?!

CANDY

For conjugal visits!

(Verse 3)

We'll wink and snap our fingers. We'll smile and wave a hand. We'll hop and skip and jump around. and play like it was planned. We'll take a trip to Texas. We'll bang the golden gong. We'll sail beneath the Southern Cross and hope... nothing goes wrong.

(Dialogue - RODNEY & LANCE.)

RODNEY

Oh, LANCE! Tomorrow we'll be in the middle of the Pacific ocean, headed for the Galapagos

LANCE

Ga-la-PAY-gos, RODNEY G-la-PAY-gos!!

RODNEY

Ga-la-PAY-gos?

LANCE

We'll be the only couple on the ship that says Ga-la-PAY-gos!

RODNEY

Ga-la-PAY-gos!

(Chorus)

Hope that nothing goes wrong, The path will be clear. Hope that nothing goes wrong, No reason to fear. Hope that nothing goes wrong, Our fears will be vain. Hope that nothing goes wrong, We're in the fast lane. Let's hope nothing goes wrong!


22. Exit Music