1. Overture
(THE STUDENTS enter.)
SCENE 1: OPENING NUMBER - LA VESTA
2. SONG: LA VESTA - THE STUDENTS
GUNTER
GRETA! FRIEDA! FRIEDRICK! The piano is done! We're on!
GRETA
We know, GUNTER! We know!
FRIEDRICK
But GRETA! When we get on, what do we do?
What characters are we playing?
GRETA
We aren't playing characters, FRIEDRICK, we're the chorus.
FRIEDA
The chorus, GRETA?
GRETA
Yes, FRIEDA, the chorus.
GUNTER
We're some students from Germany,
and we start things off with a number that sets the stage for the art show.
FRIEDA
Then we should get started, GUNTER.
GUNTER
Indeed, FRIEDA. Ready when you are, Mr Penis!
FRIEDRICK
Not "penis", dumkopf! It's "pianist". "Pee-ann-ist"
(Verse 1)
You'll see paintings proudly hanging almost everywhere.
You'll see paintings aimed to stop you short and make you stare.
You'll see paintings calculated to engage your inner eye.
You'll see paintings meant to make you want to cry.
(Chorus 1)
You'll hear what paintings can say.
You'll see what paintings can do.
The world of art before you, the art of art on display.
(Verse 2.)
You'll see people wondering what the heck they think they've seen.
You'll see people asking what the heck it all may mean.
You'll see people saying five year olds could do at least as well.
You'll see people roll their eyes and say, 'Oh, what the hell'.
(Chorus 2.)
You'll find that this is true,
Surprising though it may be.
You look at the paintings, and they look back at you.
(FRIEDA gestures toward "Future Perfect", a blank canvas.)
FRIEDA
FRIEDRICK! Look here! A totally blank canvas!
FRIEDRICK
And the title is "Future Perfect", FRIEDA!
FRIEDA
Pellucid, yet lambently irenic.
FRIEDRICK
Indeed, it contextualizes the aesthetics of absence, with a post ironic dispensation.
FRIEDA
Perhaps, but its conjunction of concision and loquacity yields a plangent vitalism.
FRIEDRICK
Just what I was thinking!
(Interlude 1.)
Art can be a riddle, you don't know what to do.
So smile and mutter darkly, "This belongs inside a zoo"!
(GRETA gestures toward "47", a large canvas with the number "46". )
GRETA
GUNTER, here's a work that even I can understand. A big number "46".
GUNTER
And look, GRETA, the title's "47", and it's entry number 45!
GRETA
Am I wrong, or does this suggest an apotropaic epinicion?
GUNTER
I see a synoptic commentary on the ironies of univocal ambiguity.
GRETA
I think you're over-complicating. It's simply a delightful concretion of indexical entropy.
GUNTER
I hadn't looked at it that way!
(Interlude 2.)
Art can be perplexing, you don't know what it is.
So grin and say "No thank you, I think I'll skip the quiz".
(FRIEDA gestures toward a rack of dresses.)
FRIEDA
GRETA! Look at this one! A simple rack of ordinary dresses!
GRETA
It can only be an esemplastic recension in search of quiddity.
FRIEDA
Or, a mimetic effulgence of mereological essentialism.
GRETA
Plain and simple, it's just an equiparation lacking inter-subjective confrontation.
GRETA
Who could argue with that!
(Interlude 3.)
Art can be confusing, you don't know what it means.
So laugh and say, "It matters not. I take my tea with kings and queens".
(Chorus 3.)
And this is what you'll find.
You'll see the paintings twice.
First here upon the wall, then later in your mind.
(Verse 3.)
You'll see worlds that only artists ever dare to see.
You'll see worlds arranged as they were always meant to be.
You'll see worlds that may perplex, that may befuddle and confuse.
You'll see worlds of witty wonder you cannot refuse.
(Tag.)
We don't know much about art,
but we know what we like.
The Vegas Student Ann-you-all.
GUNTER
Quick, meine liblinge! We leave the stage now!
FRIEDA, GRETA, and FRIEDRICK
We know, GUNTER, we know.
(THE STUDENTS exit rapidly, ignoring PROFESSOR HARMON.)
SCENE 2: PROFESSOR HARMON, SIGNOR PINELLI, and JORDAN
3. DIALOGUE: 'No, no, no!' - PROFESSOR HARMON and SIGNOR PINELLI
(PROFESSOR HARMON enters, agitated.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
(To audience) No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no!
They've got it all wrong! They're pronouncing it wrong!
It's not ann-you-all! There's an 'E' at the end! It's Italian! Ann-wall-ay! The Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
('Biennale' is always pronounced 'bee-in-all-ay')
Like the Venice Biennale and the Florence Biennale.
But I have a show every year, so it's not a biennale. It's an ann-wall-ay. The Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
(SIGNOR PINELLI enters)
SIGNOR PINELLI
PROFESSOR HARMON!
PROFESSOR HARMON
Ah, SIGNOR PINELLI! Welcome! And how is the famous Pinelli Gallery?
SIGNOR PINELLI
It's doing well, PROFESSOR HARMON! And is this is the Vegas Student Ann-you-all?
PROFESSOR HARMON
No,no, no, no, no SIGNOR PINELLI! It's not 'ann-you-all'! There's an 'E' at the end. It's Italian! Ann-wall-ay!
SIGNOR PINELLI
Of course, PROFESSOR HARMON. I was just having fun with you.
The Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay. And congratulations.
I know it takes a lot of work to organize something like this, with all the details.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Ah, yes. The details. All of the details. The many, many, details. The tiny little details.
4. SONG: THE DETAILS - PROFESSOR HARMON and SIGNOR PINELLI
(Refrain.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
The details that trip you.
The details that trap you.
The details that leave everything in a mess.
The details that give you such worry and stress.
I've made up a list and I've checked it all off.
SIGNOR PINELLI
The details that kick you.
The details that cook you.
The details that pester, harass, and oppress.
The details that leave you no hope of success.
Did you make up a list and then check it all off?
PROFESSOR HARMON
Yes I made up a list and I checked it all off.
(Interlude.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
Have you got the refreshments? The juice and hors d'oeuvres?
PROFESSOR HARMON
If I try to keep track it will rattle my nerves!
SIGNOR PINELLI
And the cookies and cocktails? They're catered of course?
PROFESSOR HARMON
Catered by Caesars, the ultimate source!
(Refrain.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
But still there's
the details that scare you.
The details that scar you.
The details you curse and the details you bless.
The details that give you such strain and distress.
And you made up a list and you checked it all off.
PROFESSOR HARMON
The details that tear you.
The details that tar you.
The details that foil all your hopes to impress.
The details that leave you no room for redress.
I've made up a list and I've checked it all off.
SIGNOR PINELLI
He's made up a list and he's checked it all off.
(Interlude.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
Have you sent invitations to people who matter?
PROFESSOR HARMON
Yes, the people who natter! Who chitter and chatter!
SIGNOR PINELLI
And the stylish, the trendy, the charming, the chic?
PROFESSOR HARMON
Yes, the shapely, the slender, the sveldt and the sleek!
(Refrain.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
And then there's
the details that bare you.
The details that bore you.
The details that make you diverge and digress.
The details that make you light up and fluoresce.
I've made up a list and I've checked it all off.
SIGNOR PINELLI
The details that haunt you.
The details that taunt you.
The details that only Ken Jennings could guess.
The details that break every oath you profess.
You've made up a list and you've checked it all off.
PROFESSOR HARMON
I've made up a list and I've checked it all off.
(Interlude.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
And the newspaper columns, the local reviewer?
PROFESSOR HARMON
Yes, he'll scribble and scrabble and scowl and skewer!
SIGNOR PINELLI
And the wealthy collectors? The patrons and buyers?
PROFESSOR HARMON
We'll have them all singing like birds in their choirs!
(Refrain)
PROFESSOR HARMON and SIGNOR PINELLI
The details that rack you.
The details that wreck you.
The details that seem like a bad game of chess.
The details that leave you no hope of egress.
PROFESSOR HARMON
I made up a list and I checked it all off.
SIGNOR PINELLI
You made up a list and you checked it all off.
PROFESSOR HARMON and SIGNOR PINELLI
Checked it all off!
5. DIALOGUE: 'And your visit today?' - PROF HARMON, SIGNOR PINELLI, and JORDAN
PROFESSOR HARMON
And your visit today, SIGNOR PINELLI, will you be bidding on some of the works?
SIGNOR PINELLI
No, PROFESSOR HARMON, today I'll only be looking.
(JORDAN enters, carrying "Icarus Whistling".)
JORDAN
Hi, PROFESSOR HARMON.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Hello, JORDAN.
JORDAN
So at last, the Vegas Student Ann-you-all!
PROFESSOR HARMON
No, no, no, no, Jordan! It's not 'ann-you-all'. There's an 'E' at the end, so it's Italian. Ann-wall-ay.
JORDAN
Ah, of course, the Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
PROFESSOR HARMON
And, JORDAN, this is SIGNOR PINELLI, from the Pinelli Gallery. SIGNOR PINELLI, this is JORDAN, one of our students.
SIGNOR PINELLI
How do you do, JORDAN. And this painting you brought in, is it your entry in the art show?
JORDAN
Yes. A Whistler self-portrait. I'll hang it like this. Upside down.
(JORDAN hangs "Icarus Whistling" upside down.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
Why is it upside down?
JORDAN
It's a statement. It's commentative transpositional art.
SIGNOR PINELLI
Commentative transpositional art?
JORDAN
I call it "Icarus Whistling".
SIGNOR PINELLI
"Icarus Whistling". I see.
JORDAN
It's "Icarus", so I hang it upside down, because Icarus is falling.
SIGNOR PINELLI
And it's "Icarus Whistling" because?
JORDAN
Because it's a Whistler self-portrait.
PROFESSOR HARMON
A deft comment on the passing of generations, with a touch of ironic detachment.
SIGNOR PINELLI
Whistler. America's master.
JORDAN
It isn't really a Whistler. It's a copy.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Of course it's a copy.
SIGNOR PINELLI
If it was real it would be hanging in the Freer Museum in Washington.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Or on auction at Christies for a fortune.
SIGNOR PINELLI
(Aside.) But it is quite an excellent copy.
JORDAN
I didn't actually paint it.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Of course you didn't paint it! Artists don't paint! Artists conceive!
SIGNOR PINELLI
However, if you know a good painter, my backyard fence needs a fresh coat of enamel.
ALL
Ha! Ha! Ha!
PROFESSOR HARMON
And proof of ownership?
JORDAN
Proof of ownership?
PROFESSOR HARMON
For the painting.
JORDAN
The painting?
PROFESSOR HARMON
The Whistler.
JORDAN
I got it from my neighbor MAVIS, she loaned it to me.
PROFESSOR HARMON
But can you prove ownership?
JORDAN
Ownership?
PROFESSOR HARMON
The painting, the Whistler copy.
You must have proof of ownership. That's the rule.
JORDAN
But...
PROFESSOR HARMON
It's not my rule, Jordan. It's the lawyers. They insist.
(JORDAN's cell phone rings.)
JORDAN
(To PROFESSOR HARMON) That's my phone. Excuse me.
(Speaking on her phone) Hi, MAVIS. This is quite a hard building to find. I'll meet you at the parking lot. Bye.
(JORDAN hangs up her phone.)
JORDAN
(To PROFESSOR HARMON) That was my neighbor MAVIS.
She can't seem to find the exhibition. I'll have to go and meet her.
Bye.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Bye, JORDAN.
(JORDAN exits.)
(PROFESSOR HARMON's cell-phone rings.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
Now it's my phone. Excuse me, SIGNOR PINELLI.
SIGNOR PINELLI
Of course.
PROFESSOR HARMON
(Talking on his cell phone.) Hello...Yes...I've got that info in my office.
(Hangs up his cell phone.)
Excuse me, SIGNOR PINELLI, I'll be right back.
SIGNOR PINELLI
Of course.
(PROFESSOR HARMON exits.)
(SIGNOR PINELLI examines "Icarus Whistling" with a loupe, talking to himself.)
PROFESSOR PINELLI
[Aside.] Now let's examine this supposed Whistler copy.
Interesting. The sweeping brush strokes...the layering of pigment...the palatine hint of magenta...
Yes. Without a doubt, this is James Abbott McNeil Whistler himself, by his own hand.
Well. I told PROFESSOR HARMON I wouldn't bid in the auction.
But for Whistler, I'll bid and I'll buy.
(PROFESSOR HARMON re-enters.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
Pardon the interruption, SIGNOR PINELLI.
SIGNOR PINELLI
Ah, PROFESSOR HARMON. I've changed my mind.
I've decided to bid on some of the works.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Excellent. Now let me show you the other exhibit rooms.
(SIGNOR PINELLI and PROFESSOR HARMON exit.)
SCENE 3: JORDAN and MAVIS
6. DIALOGUE: 'This is the art show, MAVIS' - JORDAN and MAVIS
(JORDAN and MAVIS enter.)
JORDAN
This is the art show, MAVIS.
MAVIS
Ah, the Vegas Student Ann-you-all?
JORDAN
No, no, no, no, MAVIS! It's not 'ann-you-all'! There's an 'E' at the end, so it's Italian. 'Ann-wall-ay'.
MAVIS
Ah, of course, the Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
By the way, JORDAN. Your mother called me last week,
and guess what she wanted to know?
JORDAN
Have I got any romance going.
MAVIS
And?
JORDAN
No, I haven't got any romance, except...
MAVIS
Except?
JORDAN
Except...Except...
7. SONG: THERE'S THIS...(JORDAN's version)
There's this guy.
I see him here and there, but we have never met.
And there's no reason I should mention him, and yet.
There's this guy.
When I am all alone, nobody by my side.
I wonder what perhaps I maybe might have tried.
I wish he'd walk right up and say 'hello'.
I wish he'd introduce himself and say 'how do you do'.
I wish he'd take my hand and talk and laugh and plot and plan.
I wish he'd say that this is where it all began.
There's this guy.
I know he may be just a chance I passed on by.
But all the same I hope we'll meet, I hope, I hope, oh me oh my.
8. DIALOGUE: 'Can't you just' - JORDAN and MAVIS
MAVIS
Can't you just walk by him and drop your handkerchief?
JORDAN
Oh, I've done lot's of stuff like that,
but so far this fish just won't bite the bait.
Anyway, here's your Whistler, MAVIS. Thanks for loaning it to me.
MAVIS
Why is it upside down?
JORDAN
It's a statement. It's commentative transpositional art.
MAVIS
Commentative transpositional art?
JORDAN
I call it "Icarus Whistling".
MAVIS
"Icarus Whistling". I see.
JORDAN
It's "Icarus", so I hang it upside down because Icarus is falling.
MAVIS
And it's "Icarus Whistling" because?
JORDAN
Because it's a Whistler self-portrait.
A deft comment on the passing of generations, with a touch of ironic detachment.
MAVIS
It isn't really a Whistler, it's a copy.
JORDAN
Of course it's a copy.
If it was real it would be hanging in the Freer Museum in Washington, or on auction at Christies for a fortune.
MAVIS
But you didn't actually paint it.
JORDAN
Of course I didn't paint it. Artists don't paint! Artists conceive!
However, if you know a good painter, my kitchen needs a fresh coat of enamel!
JORDAN and MAVIS
Ha! Ha! Ha!
MAVIS
So you're going to pretend that you painted my Whistler copy?
JORDAN
No, no, no. My entry isn't the Whistler copy. It's the comment I make when I
hang it upside down.
MAVIS
Well, I hope you get an "A" for your upside-down Whistler.
JORDAN
Better than that. I already got more than just an "A".
MAVIS
An A-plus?
JORDAN
Better than that. My entry was selected for the auction! The student auction!
MAVIS
You're going to sell my Whistler?
JORDAN
No one will buy it. I listed it for a ridiculous price, three thousand dollars reserve.
MAVIS
And if someone bids three thousand?
JORDAN
Then they get your Whistler copy and you get three thousand.
MAVIS
I don't care about the three thousand. I want my Whistler.
I like my Whistler, even though it reminds me of my ex-husband.
My good-riddance ex-husband. That man was always arguing.
Quibbling and quarreling, hassling and haggling, grouching and grousing.
He could argue over anything.
9. SONG: WHAT A DISASTER (MAVIS's version)
I'd say east, he'd say west
I'd say coat, he'd say vest
That man was a horrible pest
I'd say up, he'd say down
I'd say smile, he'd say frown
That man was an odious clown.
----
It's easy to fumble and
find that you've done something
wrong that you'd like to forget.
It's easy to find out that you've been a fool.
So try to avoid taking steps you'll regret.
And don't ever marry a stubborn, obstreperous mule.
-----
I'd say creation, he'd say cremation
I'd say alsacian, he'd say dalmation
That man was a constant vexation
I'd say prediction and he'd say clairvoyance.
I'd say ornateness and he'd say flamboyance.
That man was a major annoyance.
What a disaster he was,
What a mistake I made.
I wish I didn't think of him so much.
10. DIALOGUE - 'The only thing' - JORDAN and MAVIS
MAVIS
The only thing we didn't argue about was our Whistler.
We bought it in a little shop on our honeymoon, then we hung it right there in our dining room.
Our dining room where we argued all the time.
And our Whistler, hanging up there on the wall, watching us squabble.
When we split up, somehow he got the Whistler.
Then last year, at an estate sale, I saw this Whistler that looked just like our Whistler,
so I bought it, even though it reminds me of my good-riddance ex-husband.
So I want it. I want my Whistler. I don't want three thousand dollars.
JORDAN
I understand. I'll make sure it doesn't sell.
Most of these student works have a reserve of five hundred or so.
It will never sell at three thousand.
MAVIS
Thirty thousand.
JORDAN
Thirty thousand?
MAVIS
Set the reserve at thirty thousand dollars. Then we'll be sure it won't sell.
JORDAN
OK, thirty thousand. But I've got to have the proof of ownership.
MAVIS
I've got the receipt at home.
JORDAN
Can you get it for me? I need to have it before the auction ends.
MAVIS
Oh kay. But remember, thirty thousand.
JORDAN
Thirty thousand.
MAVIS
Now I just hope I can manage to find the garage again.
JORDAN
I'll go with you this campus is a maze.
(JORDAN and MAVIS exit.)
SCENE 4: REMBRANDT and MARTIN
11. DIALOGUE - 'Here it is, uncle MARTIN' - REMBRANDT, and MARTIN
(REMBRANDT and MARTIN enter.)
REMBRANDT
Here it is, uncle MARTIN, the Vegas Student Ann-you-all.
MARTIN
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Rembrandt!
It's not 'ann-you-all'! There's an 'E' at the end! It's Italian! 'Ann-wall-ay'!
REMBRANDT
I know, I was testing you.
The Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
(REMBRANDT points to "Man with Cactus flowers", which is already hanging.)
REMBRANDT
Anyway, here's my entry for the show, MARTIN, the painting I've been working on.
I call it "Man with Cactus Flowers".
MARTIN
Ah, "Man with Cactus Flowers". Excellant!
REMBRANDT
Thank you.
MARTIN
And I see I'm the man in the painting,
the man with cactus flowers.
REMBRANDT
Yes. It will be fun to have the model for the painting standing right here next to it.
MARTIN
Bad news, REMBRANDT. A meeting came up,
so I won't be able to stay for the show.
REMBRANDT
No problem, MARTIN. At least you got to see the show.
MARTIN
But I know your mother's going to call me,
and I know what she'll ask: Has REMBRANDT got a girlfriend?
REMBRANDT
(Laughs) No, I haven't got a girlfriend, not exactly.
MARTIN
Not exactly?
REMBRANDT
Not exactly.
12. SONG: THERE'S THIS...(REMBRANDT's version
There's this girl.
I see her now and then, it's almost like a game.
But all the same I still don't even know her name.
There's this girl.
I see an empty room, I see an empty chair.
and all the same I seem to see her sitting there.
I'd like to walk right up and say 'hello'.
I'd like to introduce myself and say 'how do you do'.
I'd like to take her hand and talk and laugh and plot and plan.
I'd like to say that this is where it all began.
There's this girl.
I know she may be just another might-have-been.
But all the same I hope we'll meet I hope and hope and hope again.
13. DIALOGUE: 'Can't you just' - MARTIN and REMBRANDT
MARTIN
Can't you just walk up and say "Hi, I'm REMBRANDT"?
REMBRANDT
Easier said than done!
(MARTIN notices "Icarus Whistling".)
MARTIN
Hey! Look at that painting over there! "Icarus Whistling".
The one that's upside down!
REMBRANDT
It is upside-down.
MARTIN
I'll hold it right-side up. Just as I thought! It's a Whistler self portrait!
REMBRANDT
A Whistler self-portrait? How did you recognize that?
MARTIN
That's easy, I have one just like it in my office.
But my Whistler's more than a Whistler, it's a reminder.
A reminder of my ex-wife.
My good-riddance ex-wife. That woman was always arguing.
Grouching and griping, growling and grumbling, squawking and squealing, whinging and whining.
That woman could argue over anything.
14. SONG: WHAT A DISASTER - MARTIN's version
I'd say five, she'd say four.
I'd say less, she'd say more.
That woman was always a bore.
I'd say boast and she'd say brag.
I'd say deer and she'd say stag.
That woman was purely a nag.
It's easy to wander astray
from the sensible path
to a hopeless dead end.
It's simple to find out you failed your own test.
So don't make a promise you'll want to rescind.
And don't ever marry a pest.
I'd say over, she'd say under
I'd say lightning, she'd say thunder
That woman was my worst damn blunder
I'd say bibble, she'd day bubble.
I'd say dribble, she'd say drubble.
That woman was nothing but trouble.
What a disaster she was,
What a mistake I made.
I wish I didn't think of her so much.
SCENE 5: JORDAN, REMBRANDT, and MARTIN
15. DIALOGUE: 'We split up before you moved out here' - JORDAN, REMBRANDT, MARTIN
MARTIN
We split up before you moved out here, REMBRANDT.
Too bad you never met her---then you'd know how that woman could argue.
The only thing we didn't argue about was our Whistler.
We bought it in a little shop on our honeymoon, then we hung it in our dining room.
Our dining room where we argued all the time.
And our Whistler, hanging up there on the wall, watching us squabble.
When we split up, somehow I got the Whistler.
I like to look at it.
It reminds me how lucky I am to be rid of that good-riddance woman.
But this Whistler here, in "Icarus Whistling",
do you think it's supposed to be upside down?
(JORDAN enters.)
REMBRANDT
My God, MARTIN! The girl that just came in.
MARTIN
That girl? Ah! Is that the girl in "There's this girl"?
REMBRANDT
Yes, OK, but don't say anything!
JORDAN
Hi, I'm JORDAN.
REMBRANDT
Hi, uh, uh, JORDAN, I've seen you around, but we never met.
I'm REMBRANDT. And this is my uncle MARTIN.
JORDAN
Hi REMBRANDT, Hi MARTIN.
MARTIN
We were just looking at this upside-down painting.
JORDAN
This upside-down painting is mine.
MARTIN
And it's upside-down because?
JORDAN
It's upside down because, well, look at the title.
MARTIN
It's "Icarus Whistling".
REMBRANDT
Ah! It's "Icarus", so you hang it upside down, because Icarus is falling.
MARTIN
And it's "Icarus Whistling" because it's a Whistler self-portrait.
JORDAN
Oh my goodness, MARTIN! This other painting. "Man with Cactus Flowers"
That's you in the painting. You're the "Man with Cactus Flowers"!
This must be your entry, REMBRANDT!
REMBRANDT
Yes.
JORDAN
I like it! I like it a lot.
I could look at that painting and look at that painting, and still see something new.
MARTIN
I've got to be going, for my meeting.
JORDAN
Bye, MARTIN.
REMBRANDT
So long, MARTIN.
(MARTIN exits.)
REMBRANDT
It's odd we never met, JORDAN.
JORDAN
We only met just now because you and MARTIN were looking at my entry, "Icarus Whistling".
REMBRANDT
That was lucky. But I've noticed you around.
JORDAN
I've noticed you noticing me.
REMBRANDT
I didn't know you noticed.
JORDAN
I tried to slow down so you could catch me.
REMBRANDT
I didn't want to rush things.
JORDAN
In the bookstore, when I saw you,
you were looking at the "Art" books, letter "A",
so I looked at the "Architecture" books, letter "A".
REMBRANDT
I didn't want to seem too eager.
JORDAN
In the coffee shop, I sat at the table right next to you.
REMBRANDT
I wanted to do things right.
JORDAN
And I just wanted you to just do something. Anything.
16. SONG: NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED - JORDAN and REMBRANDT
REMBRANDT
(Verse.)
I wondered how I might contrive to meet you.
I thought about how you and I might be.
I asked myself if this might be the time to have a go.
I figured what the heck let's try and see.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
JORDAN
(Verse.)
I speculated you might be receptive.
I guessed there might be more than just a chance.
I reckoned you might be supposing much the same as me.
I saw some hint of interest in your glance.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
JORDAN and REMBRANDT
(Chorus.)
Like a pit bull locked and chained,
like a novice never trained,
like a theory unexplained,
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Like a dollar never spent,
Like a letter never sent,
Like a promise never meant,
Nothing ventured nothing gained
(Verse.)
I may be just a tiny bit presumptous.
I may be letting hope deceive my heart.
But if your inclinations are compatible with mine,
then this is where tommorrow's gonna start.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
(Tag.)
Like a plane that's never flown,
Like a sail that's never blown,
Like a seed that's never sown,
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Like a tide that's never turned,
Like a bridge that's never burned,
Like a prize that's never earned,
Nothing ventured nothing gained
(Verse.)
I picked up subtle signals from your gestures.
I noticed indications in your smile.
I caught a glance a look a hint that lingered in your eyes.
I saw a certain something for a while.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
(Tag.)
Like a summit unattained,
like a puzzle unexplained,
like a priest not yet ordained,
nothing ventured nothing gained.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
17. DIALOGUE: 'Aren't we skipping the good part? - JORDAN and REMBRANDT
JORDAN
Oh, REMBRANDT! Oh REMBRANDT! How horrible! How horrible!
REMBRANDT
How horrible? What horrible?
JORDAN
Horrible. Horrible. REMBRANDT! We've only just met, and already we're almost a comfortable couple.
REMBRANDT
Comfortable couple sounds good!
JORDAN
Comfortable couple sounds great, but didn't we skip the excitement?
REMBRANDT
Skip the excitement?
JORDAN
Skip the excitement!
REMBRANDT
What exitement?
JORDAN
The perils of passion.
The rigors of romance.
The fun of flirtation.
The folly of fervor.
REMBRANDT
The perils of passion?
JORDAN
The rigors of romance.
REMBRANDT
The fun of flirtation?
JORDAN
The folly of fervor.
REMBRANDT
The mystery madness of moonlight?
JORDAN
Something like that.
REMBRANDT
We'll have plenty of romance, JORDAN.
18. SONG: DANCERS ON THE MOON - JORDAN and REMBRANDT
(Verse.)
REMBRANDT
We'll dance a tango in the afternoon
We'll waltz by midnight candlelight.
We'll rave and drink champagne and watch the dawn ignite.
We'll dream of dancers on the moon.
(Verse.)
JORDAN
We'll pick petunias in the month of June
We'll plant begonias in the Spring.
We'll run through fields of daffodils where joy is king.
We'll howl at dancers on the moon.
(Chorus.)
REMBRANDT
Do you still have the dreams of the young?
JORDAN
Do you still hear the songs never sung?
REMBRANDT
Do you still look beyond where the road seems to end?
JORDAN
Do you still want the help of the hand of a friend?
JORDAN
Do you still want to know what tomorrow will show?
EMBRANDT
Do you still want to find what the fates have designed?
(Verse.)
JORDAN and REMBRANDT
We'll take a quiet breath and hum a tune.
We'll build our home on solid ground.
We'll make our plans and do our work and settle down.
We'll be the dancers on the moon.
We are the dancers on the moon.
19. DIALOGUE: 'It's just a few minutes' - JORDAN and REMBRANDT
JORDAN
It's just a few minutes before the show opens.
I've got to go phone my sister, to tell her all about the "Dancers on the Moon"!
I'll meet you back here.
REMBRANDT
I'll see you then.
Right now I want to take a closer look at your Whistler copy.
(JORDAN exits)
REMBRANDT
Interesting...the sweeping brush strokes...the layering of pigment...the palatine hint of magenta...
I wonder...It just might be...It well could be...It does appear to be...I think it is...
I'm sure it is...It absolutely is...without a doubt I'm certain that it is.
James Abbott McNeil Whistler himself, by his own hand.
Let's call DOCTOR FREEMAN, at the Freer.
(REMBRANDT talks on his phone.)
DR FREEMAN?
This is REMBRANDT.
Ah, you remember me!
Thank you.
Well I've come across something I wanted to ask you about.
Recall the Whistler self-portrait? The stolen one?
Well, it's shown up here at the Las Vegas Student Art Show.
Yes, I'm certain...the sweeping brush strokes...the layering of pigment...the palatine hint of magenta...
You'll change your flight and come right over here?
Thanks.
Goodbye.
(REMBRANDT ends his call to DOCTOR FREEMAN.)
Uh oh. If DOCTOR FREEMAN takes the Whistler, then JORDAN's "Icarus Whistling" is gone.
JORDAN won't have an entry.
Ah, of course. I'll call MARTIN.
(REMBRANDT calls MARTIN.)
MARTIN?
Recall your Whistler? In your office?
Well, it's a long story, but could you drop it off here, before your meeting?
Thank you. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
Now I'll go grab some lunch before the show.
(REMBRANDT ends his call to MARTIN and exits.)
SCENE 6: THE AUCTION
20. SONG: 'THIS IS IT' - THE STUDENTS
FRIEDRICK
Well, GUNTER, our first number set the stage for the art show.
What are we doing now?
GUNTER
Now we set the stage for the auction, FRIEDRICK.
GRETA
We set the stage because we are the chorus.
FRIEDA
We describe how excited all us students are.
FRIEDRICH
And we talk about art.
Ready when you are, Mr Pee-ann-ist!
THE STUDENTS
(Verse 1.)
This is it!
This is where we go.
This is it!
This is all we know.
This is it!
This is what we show.
This is it!
(Verse 2.)
This is it!
No more lame excuse.
This is it!
Let them cook our goose.
This is it!
Turn the wild dogs loose
This is it!
(Bridge.)
THE STUDENTS
Now our destination comes in view.
And our ship has reached the shore.
All the work we've done and the race we've run,
now we've reached the open door.
(Verse 3.)
This is it!
Now our work is done.
This is it!
Now let's have some fun.
This is it!
Greet the rising sun.
This is it!
FRIEDA
Do you like abstract paintings, FRIEDRICK? Paintings of squiggles and blobs?
FRIEDRICK
No, FRIEDA. When I see a blob, I just don't know.
Is it a good blob? Or a bad blob?
FRIEDA
Just toss a coin, FRIEDRICK! And you will be the expert!
THE STUDENTS
Art is a torment. Art is a trick.
Say the wrong thing and you must be a hick.
GRETA
GUNTER, I think artists should do stuff that people can recognize.
GUNTER
Then take a photo, GRETA.
GRETA
Photos show light waves, GUNTER. Paintings show people.
THE STUDENTS
Art is a teaser. Art is a taunt.
Don't show that you're nervous, just act nonchalant.
FRIEDA
How do we know if something is art, GRETA?
GRETA
Just remember Marcel Duchamp, FRIEDA:
"If the artist says it's art, then it's art".
FRIEDA
But how do we know the artist is an artist? And not just pretending?
GRETA
Simple, FRIEDA. If he's pretending, then his pretense is his art, so he's an artist.
THE STUDENTS
Art is a player. Art is a ploy.
You wanted a tool and they gave you a toy.
FRIEDRICK
Some of these paintings seem like a joke, GUNTER.
GUNTER
Don't say that too loud, FRIEDRICK. You might insult the artist!
FRIEDRICK
You can't insult an artist, GUNTER! He'll just smile and say "thank you"!
THE STUDENTS
Art is a juggler. Art is a joke.
You planted an acorn, but that's not an oak.
(First tag verse.)
THE STUDENTS
This is it!
Now we've run the race.
This is it!
Now we'll take our place.
This is it!
Now we'll play our ace.
This is it!
(Second tag verse.)
This is it!
Let the rockets fly.
This is it!
Raise the flags on high.
This is it!
Say our last goodbye.
This is it!
(THE STUDENTS step aside and look at paintings.)
21. DIALOGUE: 'Well, SIGNOR PINELLI' - PROF HARMON, SR PINELLI, MAUDE & LESTER
(PROFESSOR HARMON and SIGNOR PINELLI enter.)
PROFESSOR HARMON
Well, SIGNOR PINELLI, it's almost time for the auction.
(MAUDE and LESTER enter.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
PROFESSOR HARMON, look over there, the couple that just came in.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Oh, my! So much polyester!
SIGNOR PINELLI
I didn't know polyester still existed!
MAUDE
LESTER, I get the feeling that people are staring at us.
LESTER
You mean like that pointy-toed snoot over there,MAUDE?
MAUDE
The pointy toed snoot sure does seem to be staring at us, LESTER.
LESTER
Or maybe just at me, MAUDE.
22. SONG: TRUTH TO TELL - MAUDE and LESTER
(Verse.)
MAUDE
Folks are all gawking and glaring at me.
I think they want me to get out.
They grin and they groan and they laugh til they weep.
I think they think I am a lout or a creep.
(Verse.)
LESTER
People are looking and staring at me.
I don't think they want me around.
Their lips in a curl and their smile in a smirk.
I think they think I am a clown or a jerk.
(Chorus.)
MAUDE
I've noticed certain gestures and expressions
on you and no one else I've ever seen.
Truth to tell you are a bit peculiar.
Truth to tell that's why I married you.
LESTER
I've noticed certain quirks and indications,
on you and no one else I've ever known.
Truth to tell you are a bit eccentric.
Truth to tell that's why I married you.
(Verse.)
MAUDE and LESTER
Folks are all gaping and gawking at us.
They want us to just disappear.
They sneer and they snarl and they moan and complain.
I think that they think that we're too lame to train.
Truth to tell we are a bit outlandish.
Truth to tell that's why I married you.
MAUDE
I think we are among some snooty people, LESTER.
LESTER
Pointy toed and snooty, MAUDE.
23. DIALOGUE: 'Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen' - PROF HARMON, SR PINELLI, and MAUDE & LESTER
PROFESSOR HARMON
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm PROFESSOR HARMON, chairman of the Art Department here at Las Vegas University,
and this is our distinguished guest, SIGNOR PINELLI, of the Pinelli Gallery.
I welcome you all to LA VESTA, the Vegas Student Ann-wall-ay.
And I know that folks like you will know to pronounce it 'ann-wall-ay'!
PROFESSOR HARMON
Now for the auction, and the first art work for sale is number thirty two.
It's entitled "A sealed box containing a letter that was not written by Abraham Lincoln".
MAUDE
Now that's kind of clever, LESTER.
PROFESSOR HARMON
I'll start the bidding at one hundred dollars.
LESTER
Remember your uncle Johnson, MAUDE?
MAUDE
My uncle Johnson?
LESTER
His birthday's next week.
I bet he would get quite a kick from that box with a letter that's not from Lincoln.
MAUDE
You're right, LESTER. Hey, Mister! One hundred dollars!
SIGNOR PINELLI
[Aside.] I'll bid on this work.
Then I won't be so conspicuous when I bid on the Whistler.
SIGNOR PINELLI
One hundred ten.
MAUDE
Uh oh, LESTER. The pointy-toed snoot wants uncle Johnson's not-from-Lincoln box.
One hundred twenty, mister!
SIGNOR PINELLI
[Aside.]I'll gladly let the polyester people have the thing.
PROFESSOR HARMON
The bidding's at one hundred twenty. Do I have another bid?
Sold to, I'm sorry, I don't know your names.
MAUDE
We're MAUDE and LESTER.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Sold to MAUDE and LESTER.
PROFESSOR HARMON
And now our next item at auction is number twenty nine. It's called "Man with Cactus Flowers".
LESTER
I like this painting, MAUDE. I like it a lot.
MAUDE
I like it too, LESTER.
I could look at that painting and look at that painting, and still see something new.
PROFESSOR HARMON
We'll start the bidding at two hundred dollars.
SIGNOR PINELLI
[Aside.] The polyester lady is sure to bid on this. It's just a painting.
I bet she'd rather have a tiger painted on velvet.
MAUDE
(Bids.) Two hundred dollars, Mister.
SIGNOR PINELLI
I told you so.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Well, do I hear two hundred ten?
MAUDE
The pointy-toed snoot doesn't want a real painting, LESTER.
Two hundred ten!
PROFESSOR HARMON
You already have the high bid, madam, for two hundred dollars.
MAUDE
And I just bid two hundred ten, Sonny!
PROFESSOR HARMON
Sold, to MAUDE and LESTER. for two hundred ten.
LESTER
I like this painting, MAUDE.
MAUDE
I like it too, LESTER.
PROFESSOR HARMON
And now, our next item, number forty two, entitled "Icarus Whistling".
SIGNOR PINELLI
[Aside.]The Whistler! Now my opportunity!
PROFESSOR HARMON
I'm sure that you folks can all see why this work is hanging upside down.
MAUDE
Can you see why this work is hanging upside down, LESTER?
LESTER
Forget about the upside-down, MAUDE. Picture that painting right-side up.
Right-side up, MAUDE.
MAUDE
Right-side up, LESTER?
LESTER
Right-side up, MAUDE.
MAUDE
Well, my goodness, LESTER!
Put that painting right-side up, and it would almost look like my uncle Johnson!
LESTER
Put that painting right-side up and it would look exactly, exactly like your uncle Johnson.
So for his birthday...
MAUDE
For his birthday we forget about that not-from-Lincoln box and get him this instead.
A painting that looks just like him.
PROFESSOR HARMON
I'll start the bidding at five hundred dollars.
MAUDE
(Bids.) Five hundred dollars, mister!
SIGNOR PINELLI
Five hundred fifty.
MAUDE
Oh, oh, LESTER. The pointy-toed snoot wants my uncle Johnson.
(Bids.) Six hundred dollars!
SIGNOR PINELLI
Six hundred fifty!
PROFESSOR HARMON
Oh my goodness! I just noticed!
"Icarus Whistling" has a reserve of thirty thousand dollars!
That must be a typo.
No, it's clearly thirty thousand.
Ah! The thirty thousand is an art statement! Masterful!
Do I hear thirty thousand? Thirty thousand?
SIGNOR PINELLI
[Aside.] Thirty thousand! I can't do that! Not even for an authentic Whistler!
MAUDE
Thirty thousand.
LESTER
What the heck, MAUDE. Thirty thousand dollars?
For a painting that looks like your uncle Johnson?
MAUDE
LESTER, the last time I checked, you and I are pretty much billionaires.
LESTER
Not quite a billion, MAUDE.
A half billion for sure. But not quite a billion.
MAUDE
(Optionally "dingdarn" for "goddamn".)
OK, LESTER. Let's call it half-a-billion.
Now what is the point of being half-billionaires
if we can't win a goddamn student auction at a goddamn student art show!
Our goddamn chief engineer got a lot less than half a billion dollars.
And he bought himself a Testerrosa, LESTER,
a goddamn bright-red goddamn Ferrarri goddamn Testerossa.
And we're still driving our goddamn Subaru, LESTER!
Our goddamn ten year old Subaru!
LESTER
It's a good car, MAUDE.
MAUDE
It's a fine car, LESTER.
But we are not going back to our Subaru without my uncle Johnson.
And we are goddamn sure not gonna leave my uncle Johnson
to the goddamn pointy-toed snoot.
LESTER
(Bids.) Thirty-one thousand dollars, mister!
PROFESSOR HARMON
Thirty-one thousand?
But you folks already bid thirty!
Oh, hell, I have a bid for thirty-one thousand dollars.
Do I hear thirty-two? Thirty-two thousand?
SIGNOR PINELLI?
SIGNOR PINELLI
No. Unfortunately, no.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Sold to MAUDE and LESTER, for thirty one thousand dollars.
24. DIALOGUE: 'Jordan!' - JORDAN, MAVIS, MARTIN and REMBRANDT
(MAVIS enters.)
MAVIS
JORDAN?
JORDAN
MAVIS! You're back!
MAVIS
Here's the receipt.
JORDAN
What receipt?
MAVIS
You wanted the receipt.
JORDAN
Oh, yes. The receipt.
MAVIS
What's going on?
JORDAN
It all happened so fast. I think "Icarus Whistling" just got sold. Your Whistler just got sold!
MAVIS
Just got sold? For thirty thousand?
JORDAN
Thirty one! Thirty-one thousand!
MAVIS
Thirty-one thousand! For my Whistler copy?
Just because you hung it upside down?
JORDAN
They said something about...something about someone's uncle Johnson.
MAVIS
Uncle Johnson? Uncle Johnson? Who is uncle Johnson?
JORDAN
I think uncle Johnson is...
(MAVIS sees "Man with Cactus Flowers", REMBRANDT's portrat of MARTIN.)
MAVIS
JORDAN! That painting! "Man with Cactus Flowers"! That's MARTIN!
JORDAN
MARTIN?
MAVIS
MARTIN! My ex...
(MARTIN enters with his Whistler, but doesn't notice MAVIS.)
MARTIN
Here it is, REMBRANDT, the other Whistler you asked me to bring.
This Whistler is exactly like...
MAVIS
MARTIN?
MARTIN
MAVIS?
MAVIS
What are you doing here?
MARTIN
What are you doing here?
MAVIS
My neighbor JORDAN is in the art show!
MARTIN
My nephew REMBRANDT in the art show!
JORDAN
I guess you two have met?
MAVIS
He's my good-riddance ex-husband.
MARTIN
She's my good-riddance ex-wife.
JORDAN
That explains the cordiality!
But remember, this is an art show,
not a mud fight!
MAVIS
Well...
MARTIN
I suppose...
MAVIS
We really don't have anything to argue about.
MARTIN
We haven't got a thing to dispute.
MAVIS
So. Hello, MARTIN.
MARTIN
Hello, MAVIS
MAVIS
This is my neighbor, JORDAN.
MARTIN
Thanks. I met JORDAN earlier. And this is my nephew, REMBRANDT.
REMBRANDT painted the "Man with Cactus Flowers".
MAVIS
Hi, REMBRANDT. I like the "Man with Cactus Flowers". I like it a lot.
I could look at that painting and look at that painting and still see something new.
MARTIN may be a bum, but your painting is fine, really fine.
REMBRANDT
Thank you.
MAVIS
Except. Except.
MARTIN
Except? Except what?
MAVIS
Except he's got it hung too high, MARTIN.
MARTIN
He's got the painting hung too high?
MAVIS
It should hang just a little bit lower.
MARTIN
Hang just a little bit lower?
MAVIS
Yes, Martin. Maybe a foot.
MARTIN
A foot?
MAVIS
Yes, the painting is hung about a foot too high.
MARTIN
The painting is hung where the painting should hang.
REMBRANDT knows what he's doing.
MAVIS
REMBRANDT certainly knows how to paint. But he doesn't know how to hang!
MARTIN
REMBRANDT knows how to paint and he knows how to hang!
MAVIS
He hung this painting too high!
MARTIN
He hung this painting exactly where this painting should hang!
MAVIS
He hung it too high. You've got to stand on your tip-toes to see it!
MARTIN
Better to stand on your tip-toes than kneel on your knees!
MAVIS
Paintings have a proper and suitable height to be hung.
MARTIN
And this painting is hung at its proper and suitable height.
MAVIS
If it were hung at its proper and suitable height
then I wouldn't have to be saying it ought to be hung just a little bit lower!
Maybe a foot!
MARTIN
If it were hung a foot lower,
then you'd be saying it ought to be hung a foot higher.
MAVIS
If you weren't such a stubborn ignoramus
then you wouldn't be arguing about something you know nothing about.
MARTIN
If you weren't such an obstinate harridan
then you wouldn't be arguing about something that doesn't need arguing about.
(MAVIS and MARTIN pause, staring at each other hotly.)
MAVIS
MARTIN?
MARTIN
MAVIS?
MAVIS
It's getting warm in here.
MARTIN
It's getting very warm in here.
25. SONG: 'THE STORMY WINDS OF LUST' - MAVIS and MARTIN
MAVIS
I want to grip you, want to strip you,
want to pluck you, want to shuck you,
MARTIN
want to steer you, want to spear you,
want to roll you, want to pole you,
MAVIS and MARTIN
want to snarl and growl and grunt and howl with you.
MAVIS
I want to feel you, want to peel you,
want to snare you, want to bare you,
MARTIN
want to stroke you, want to poke you,
want to bong you, want to prong you,
MAVIS and MARTIN
want to claw and scratch and scrape and hatch with you.
MAVIS
The stormy winds of love sublime
tear down all discretion and sense.
Love conquers my last lame defense.
MARTIN
The tides of passion at the flood
uproot all reserve and restraint.
Love's not for the feeble and faint.
MARTIN and MAVIS
Love is what it is, not what it ain't.
MAVIS
I want to hold you, want to scold you,
want to bite you, want to fight you,
MARTIN
want to jump you, want to thump you,
want to hump you, want to pump you,
MAVIS and MARTIN
want to twist and turn and tryst and burn with you.
MAVIS
MARTIN?
MARTIN
MAVIS?
MAVIS
My car's right outside.
MARTIN
My van's just across the street.
MAVIS
Let's go!
MARTIN
Let's go!
26. DIALOGUE: 'That was a masterful work' - All except MAVIS and MARTIN
SIGNOR PINELLI
That was a masterful work of performance art!
I must have them perform it at my gallery!
(DOCTOR FREEMAN enters and strides to "Icarus Whistling".)
DOCTOR FREEMAN
James Abbott Mcneil Whistler! By his own hand.
REMBRANDT
DOCTOR FREEMAN! Welcome! I'm glad you could get here.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Quite a coincidence, REMBRANDT.
I was there in the airport, between flights, on my way to Hawaii, when I got your call.
REMBRANDT
Well, this is the painting I called you about.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
And the Whistler is upside-down because?
REMBRANDT
It's a long story.
But you do agree that this is...
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Certainly it is.
The sweeping brush strokes...the layering of pigment...the palatine hint of magenta...
I could tell in an instant that this was the genuine Whistler self-portrait,
stolen from the Freer Museum eight years ago.
JORDAN
But my neighbor MAVIS, she bought it at an estate sale, some guy who died...
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Whoever stole it from the Freer must have sold it to the guy who died,
and the guy who died didn't tell anyone it was real.
(Picks up MAVIS's Whistler.) Well. I'm in a hurry,
so I'll just take the Whistler and work out the shipping.
MAUDE
Just hold on, Sonny.
I'm not completely certain who you think you are, a
but I'm altogether certain that the painting
that you think you're gonna just walk out of here with,
is the painting of my uncle Johnson that Lester and I just bought.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
But sadly for you and LESTER, Whistler's painting of your uncle Johnson
was stolen from the Freer Museum, and the law says...
MAUDE
The law says just what the lawyers say it says, and LESTER and I have an army of lawyers.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
But the Freer Museum is part of the Smithsonian Institute, so my lawyer army is bigger than yours.
LESTER
MAUDE?
MAUDE
Yes, LESTER?
LESTER
I've got an idea, MAUDE.
MAUDE
You've got an idea?
Well, LESTER, you and I are half-billionaires because of your ideas, so let's hear this one.
LESTER
Picture the Freer Museum, MAUDE, right there on the Washington Mall.
MAUDE
I see it, LESTER, I see it.
LESTER
Now picture a big reception, television, newspapers, lots of big shots.
MAUDE
I see it, LESTER, I see it.
LESTER
And our good friend DOCTOR FREEMAN announces that the noted art collectors, MAUDE and LESTER,
acquired the stolen Whistler self-portrait,
and phoned DOCTOR FREEMAN to arrange the return.
MAUDE
I see it, LESTER, I see it. LESTER in a tuxedo, MAUDE in a gown.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It will be a splendid event.
MAUDE and LESTER certainly deserve the thanks of the art world,
and the gratitude of the nation.
(MAVIS and MARTIN begin singing off-stage, then re-enter, appropriately disheveled.)
27. SONG: I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT - MAVIS and MARTIN
(Verse.)
MARTIN
I have seen the light.
Now I know the where's and why's.
Now I know the proper prize,
it's clear as black and white.
(Verse.)
MAVIS
I have seen the way.
Now I know the worst and best.
Now I know the cursed and blessed.
It's clear as night and day.
(BRIDGE)
MAVIS
You've got to give a little
if you want to get a lot.
MARTIN
You've got to learn a little
if you want to know a lot.
MAVIS
You've got to frown a little
MARTIN
if you want to laugh a lot.
MAVIS and MARTIN
You've got to fight a little
If you want to love a lot.
(Verse.)
MAVIS and MARTIN
-
Now the future's bright.
Now we know the path to take.
Now we know the moves to make, now
Everything is right.
We have seen the light.
(FINE)
(INTERLUDE)
MARTIN
I'd say gleam, you'd say glow.
MAVIS
I'd say toss, you'd say throw.
MARTIN
I'd say hide, you'd say show.
MAVIS
I'd say stash, you'd say stow.
MAVIS
I'd say deer, you'd say doe
MARTIN
I'd say friend, you'd say foe
MAVIS
I'd say rain, you'd say snow.
MARTIN
I'd say rake, you'd say hoe.
MARTIN
I'd say shrink, you'd say grow.
MAVIS
I'd say high, you'd say low.
MARTIN
I'd say fast, you'd say slow.
MAVIS
I'd say yes,
MAVIS and MARTIN
I'd say yes!
(Verse.)
MAVIS and MARTIN
We have seen the light.
We have found which way is up.
We have won the loving cup.
Skies are blue and bright.
We have seen the light.
28. SONG: THE ART OF ART - ALL
(The Students interlude.)
FRIEDA
Well, GRETA, we got the art show going.
GRETA
Yes, FRIEDA, and now it's ready to end.
FRIEDRICK
We're the beginning of the end, GUNTER.
GUNTER
Yes, FRIEDRICK, with some help from the pi-an-ist.
(Verse 1.)
The art of art is seeing what you never saw before.
The art of art is showing what was just beyond the door.
You paint a fire and watch it glow.
You paint the wind and watch it blow.
The art of art is sailing out of sight of any shore.
(PROFESSOR HARMON/SIGNOR PINELLI/DOCTOR FREEMAN interlude.)
SIGNOR PINELLI
Well, PROF HARMON, I don't believe you forgot any details.
PROFESSOR HARMON
Except that I never got the proof of ownership for "Icarus Whistling".
DOCTOR FREEMAN may...
DOCTOR FREEMAN
No worry, Gentlemen, my Washington lawyers will have all the proof
that you need.
(Verse 2.)
The art of art reveals the man inside the man you see.
The art of art parades the woman she would like to be.
You paint a book and turn the page.
You paint a man and watch him age.
The art of art is climbing where there isn't any tree.
(JORDAN/REMBRANT interlude.)
JORDAN
Well, REMBRANDT, congratulations! "Man with Cactus Flower" sold!
REMBRRANDT
Yes, and maybe years from now it will end up in some student art show
hanging upside down: "Icarus with Cactus Flowers"
(Chorus.)
You see the image in your mind before you take to paint.
You see the semblance deep inside, the truth that is but ain't.
You paint by numbers, learn the rules they teach in all the schools.
Then splish and splash and squish and crash,
and show the golden, gilded, gleaming, glowing, grail of jewels.
(MAUDE/LESTER interlude.)
MAUDE
LESTER, that Freer Gallery in Washington DC. You think it'd be for sale?
LESTER
Could be. But let's do our own MAUDE & LESTER Gallery right here.
Maybe get some more paintings from the young feller
that did "Man with Cactus Flowers".
(Verse 3.)
The art of art displays the past that maybe might have been.
The art of art exposes what you hide somewhere within.
You paint the future, paint the past,
You paint the tiny, paint the vast.
The art of art presents the prizes you can never win
(MAVIS/MARTIN interlude.)
MARTIN
I guess our divorce was a failure, MAVIS.
MAVIS
Nonsense, MARTIN. Our divorce got us back together again, so it was a success.
MARTIN
But as a divorce, it failed.
MAVIS
It succeeded.
MARTIN
Failed. Oh, let's save this for later.
MAVIS
Right. I don't want to do the van again.
(Tag chorus.)
You let the painting paint itself, you haven't got a clue / while you stand by and stare.
You know the shapes and colors come from someplace else, not you. /out there.
You follow dictates and directions word by word by word.
Then test and twist and taunt and tease,
and celebrate the giddy, goofy, gawdy, gay absurd.
(Tag verse.)
The art of art announces what you didn't want to know.
The art of art reveals the things you reap but do not sow.
You paint the planets, paint the moon.
You paint the piper, paint the tune.
The art of art transports you any where you want to go.
(Tag)
We don't know much about art,
but we know what we like.
29. EXIT MUSIC ("La Vesta" reprise)