Didactic jokes

Phil Shaw - http://okshaw.com

The streetlight drunk:

A policeman sees a drunk crawling under a streetlight, and asks what he's doing.

  • "I'm looking for my car keys."
  • "OK, I'll help you."
  • "Don't bother, I dropped them on the other side of the street."
  • "Then why are you looking for them over here."
  • "Because the light's brighter here."

Only need to outrun you:

Two guys hiking in the woods see a grizzly bear running towards them. One of them begins to change from his hiking boots into running shoes.

  • "Don't be crazy," the other says, "you can't outrun that bear!"
  • "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first replies, "I only need to outrun you."

Moose turd pie:

A logging camp has two rules:

  • Any new lumber jack becomes the camp cook until another new lumber jack arrives.
  • Any lumberjack who complains about the food becomes the cook.

A new lumberjack arrives, who hates cooking and wants to get outside and chop trees. So, he searches the swamps until he finds a large fresh steaming hot moose turd, which he brings back to the camp, places in a pie shell, and serves for dessert.

The biggest lumberjack in the camp cuts himself a large piece of this fresh hot pie, takes a big bite, roars "THAT'S MOOSE TURD PIE!", then quickly adds "but it's gooood!"

It's my nature:

A frog is about to cross a stream, and a scorpion asks if he can ride across on the frog's back.

  • The frog says, "No. You'll bite me and I'll die."
  • The scorpion replies, "I wouldn't bite you in the middle of the stream. If I did I'd drown."

So the frog agrees to carry the scorpion. Halfway across the stream, the scorpion bites him.

  • As the frog is dying, with his last breath he asks "Why? Now we'll both die!"
  • The scorpion replies, "Because it's my nature."

So far so good:

A man falls from a ten story building, and as he plunges past each floor calls out, "So far, so good!"

It feels good when I stop:

A man hitting himself on the head with a hammer, asked why he is doing that, says, "Because it feels good when I stop."

We've got to stop Jablonski! (a sketch from the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour):

Scene: A football locker room at half-time. The players enter, discouraged, disheartened, dejected.

  • The coach (Jim Brown) gives a pep talk: "We've got to stop Jablonski! He blocks our kicks, breaks up our running plays, intercepts our passes. We've got to stop Jablonski!"
  • One of the players (Sonny Bono) raises his hand, "But coach..."
  • The coach interrupts, "Shut up, Jablonski!"
  • You skin that one:

    A salesman and an engineer on a hunting trip arrive at their cabin.

    • The salesman says, "You unpack while I go look for game".
    • Later, the salesman runs in the front door, pursued by a lion, then runs out the back door, slamming it behind him with the lion still inside, calling out, "You skin that one while I go look for more".

    800 pound gorilla:

    • Q: Where does an 800 pound gorilla sit?
    • A: Wherever he wants.